Fictosexuals And Other Bizarre Marriages

So no one is getting married or having children anymore, and we run the real risk of basing the entire financial support for social security on a couple of hundred snot nosed pissants who work solely to deliver pizza. Fortunately 330 million people can survive on a penny a month, (which is $.00000000039 in current dollars). Right?

One of the reasons that people are no longer getting married TO A HUMAN is that they can have alternative relationships. You have to stretch the meaning of “alternative” to beyond batshit crazy.

One example is this goof a tron from Japan. He spent $17,000 to marry a hologram. You got that right, a cartoon character projected inside what looks like a coffee pot. His official sexual orientation term is “fictosexual” in the sense that all he can do is stare at this cartoon. Not exactly what you would call a “solid” relationship. It has gotten tougher since the company that sold him the object of his fictional desire stopped supporting the necessary computer program, so he can’t talk to it any more. I swear I did not make this up.

His parents must be so proud

Then there is this living definition of the term bizzarro boy, who paid real money to marry himself. Now, some may call him a narcissist. Huh. One wonders if he goes on a date, is he committing adultery? Does his spouse deny him sex when they are mad at him? Does they sometimes wear the pants, other times the skirt, in this unilateral couple? The mind boggles.

Then there is the woman that married her dead boyfriend. Seems that poor guy got killed days before the wedding. In France you can marry a dead person. It is not clear that necrophiliacs can partake, one shudders. Why anyone would do this is unclear, but 10 people do this every year in France. The good news here is that the sick and blushing bride always gets to control the remote, choose the menu, and visit her mother. Also of course, when one is feeling randy, the hubby is always stiff. Woo Hoo!

The Groom with now throw out the ceremonial brains

Next up in the list of the relational aberrant, is a woman who has an ongoing relationship with her stereo system. This makes her sexual classification OS, or objectum sexual. This looney on the loose claims to make love to her stereo twice a day. Well, I guess that make sense, since it likely is a STEREO system. Benefits include the mute button, multiple insertion ports, and. um. whatever.

I will finish with the woman who married a snake. Now, many women contend that they have all married snakes. Spouses of lawyers may also say that such unions are common. But this walking oddity is from India, where her spouse lives in an anthill and declined to show up for the nuptials. 2000 town residents, however, DID show up and approved. Thus proving that not all raving lunatics reside in Portland OR.

In case you think I made up these last three, here is the link to the related article.

Just as an aside, I have an official certification to conduct marriages throughout the US and 57 other countries. So, for just a nominal fee, I will be glad to officiate your union with insects, fishing rods, harley davidsons, or whatever object gets your juices flowing. For a legally binding marriage, send $5,000 to Billy Bushwood on Venmo at #ParsonBillyB. You will understand when we conduct this via Zoom.

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