I was born into a household headed by a car fanatic. Every couple of years, the irrisistible urge to buy a new one came over my father. YOu could see the first vestiges of the compulsion taking over, as he oh so casually browsed the car dealer pages. Then there he would develop and eye twitch, then a slight hand tremor. Eventually, he would grab me and sneak out to look at dealer lots on Sundays. And shortly after drive triumphantly into the driveway with the new gleaming car.
I inherited this particular section of DNA code from my father, and have always been a car freak.
As a red blooded male, naturally I have always dreamed of owning a Porsche. My whole life, I was sure I would own one, some day. A 911, of course. No wimpy Boxter for me, nein dumkopf!
I saw myself behind the wheel, wearing fingerless leather driving gloves, with a hot chick (think, Megan Fox) swooning over my dashing self, a stud who could afford such a sexy, fast car. To me, Porsche was the embodiment of manhood, fully acknowledging the phallic nature of that.
Now, my image of Porsche has been completely ruined. I can no longer think of their cars in the same swooning, lustful, acquisitive way. They have chosen to destroy their unrivaled brand.
How do I justify such acid assertions?
As I was casually browsing an online catalog for a suitable birthday gift for my wife (OK it was in the bikini section-sue me) I saw an ad that referred to a Porsche STATION WAGON. WTF?? Porsche does not make cars for suburban soccer moms, that are going to wind up being soiled by baby puke, spilled slurpees, dog drool, and mulch residue. Porsches are not driven to Whole Foods to buy organic flax seed and overpriced Kale salads. Porsches are driven by manly men, driving to the gun range or a single malt tasting party. Right guys, RIGHT?
So, incredulous at what surely was an online prank, I ventured to the Porsche website. There to my absolute horror, I found that the heretofore venerable sports car maker has on offer not one, but TWO station wagon models. There is the Panamera, and the Cayman. I find the mere existence of such sissy mary sedans bearing the Porsche name, an affront to all Porsche owners, and possibly the entire male gender. On top of that, the Cayman is indisputably UGLY also. So THERE you misguided Krauts.
Whats next, a Porsche mini van? Do suburban mothers really care about the rack and pinion steering, or the zero to sixty acceleration? I have never met such a woman. Lets face it, female sports car owners are as common as pink bunny suits at a wedding.
So I may now have to turn my sport car lust to Corvettes, or something. I do not want to be lumped into the company of pantywaists who buy kinder carriers for their wives (or more tragically, themselves). Cut the wagons and strap a pair back on, you pathetic Bosch.