So all you fellow fatties, you probably are either on a diet now (and happily cheating on it hourly), or contemplating going on one. (Dreading, more like).

For the sake of your sanity, don’t tell ANYONE you are dieting. If you do, be prepared for an onslaught of unsolicited advice. Just about everyone you know has had extensive diet experience. Despite the fact that they themselves may not have clearly benefitted from the weigh loss effort, each and everyone will tell you exactly how YOU should do it.

Be prepared for the fact that whatever diet you are on, it is woefully inadequate (according to your ever helpful and intrusive friends).

Whichever diet you choose, understand that it is wrong, not enough, did not work for the person you are speaking with, (or for their aunt Mabel or whomever,) or you have the wrong variation of it. You will be interrogated as to your dietary plan details to the micrometer level, then the the onslaught of recommendations regarding the plan they recommend. You cannot stop the torrent of dietary imperatives. Your idiot lesson will delivered in full until you are gasping for respite.

For example, if you go on say, the Keto diet, (which requires the consumption of an entire side of beef hourly, ) and then mention this to someone. You will immediately be besieged with advice of what kind of meat you should eat, recipe options, and websites to read further about it. Books on the topic will be offered for loan. Alternatively, you will be hectored as the reasons this diet won’t work, is unhealthy, and really cruel to animals. Either way, prepare for a solid 20-30 minutes of lecture on the Keto diet.

Among many other things to try, I have been advised to eat more legumes, (lentils are great!), more meat, less meat, tons of veggies (but only the really nastiest tasting ones like broccoli or brussel sprouts; carrots are bad for you), drink a gallon of water three times a day, don’t drink diet sodas, drink unsweetened tea, drink apple cider vinegar, and countless other tidbits of useful advice. And beware salads, the dressing will add 20 pounds alone!

I have been advised to only eat in vegan restaurants, or possibly health food restaurants (so I would go out to eat for food I despise?)

Then there is exercise. Whatever amount you currently do it is less than half of the necessary amount. You can declare that you walk 2 miles a day, at which point you will directed to double this amount. You must walk at a brisk stride, just ambling along is useless. Carry hand weights. Walk up steps, never take the escalators. Like the postman, the dark, rain, snow, sleet, and meteorite showers should never stop you from your walking regimen. See, you thought you knew how to walk. In the world of dieters, you are simply a hopeless neophyte. If you do it wrong, you will not lose weight.

Note that exercise equipment gets poor marks for aiding weight loss. Mention your exercise bike you will be schooled on how useless all the huffing, puffing, and sweating on the trainer are. So much for the fifteen hundred bucks you just shelled out for that new Peloton. You are safe to ditch it immediately, and absolutely must begin walking in the sleet in minus 20 degree weather.

I offer this advice freely, in the hopes that you can successfully dodge the firehose level of exhortations that I have been the victim of.

And for the sake of your sanity, tell NO ONE you are dieting.

(For what its worth: eat less, exercise more, drink less, eat less carbs. Even I can’t resist.)