Torture and Scooby Doo

The International Criminal Tribunal Outlaws Scooby Doo Cartoons in Interrogation

Scooby Doo
Every Bit as Inane As They Appear

Have you ever had that moment when you read a story about a product that is newly available, and thought “Who in God’s earth would EVER want THAT?”

I had this experience this morning when I read the announcement that Warner Bros. is releasing a DVD with a mind numbing 23 episodes of Scooby Doo cartoons.  This is 16 hours of  viewing of the least imaginative programming in history.

For those of you fortunate enough not to have wasted precious time as a child watching this cartoon, Scooby Doo (named after nonsense lyrics by Frank Sinatra), is a talking dog the size of an NBA power forward.  He and his main pal Shaggy, (a pinhead of epic pinood)  and three other teenage friends, ride around solving not mysterious mysteries.

All well and good, I suppose.  Except this show, which has been in more or less continuous production since 1969(!), has the exact same plot in every show.  In 366 episodes, 43 films, 5 plays, 12 comic books, etc. the mystery gang are called in to investigate something spooky (ghosts and monsters).  These shows (spoiler alert!) always determine that it is really an adult meanie up to something nefarious, who fakes being the supernatural being.  Our intrepid (insipid?) sleuths shortly (42nd of 43  minutes into the show) expose the fraud, and turn the miscreant over to the cops.

In one paragraph I have summarized every Scooby Doo ever produced.  How this boring and repetitive show keeps on drooling along, I simply can’t fathom.  If I insult you by dissing a show that you actually watch, this is intentional and you deserve my mockery.

How did the International Criminal Tribunal get involved?  Isn’t it obvious?  Dick Cheyney has reintroduced enhanced interrogation techniques with terrorists.  Although instead of waterboarding, the murderous thug is forced to watch Scooby Doo cartoons non stop for days on end.  After just 4 hours, they typically give up and surrender all their intel, including where to drop the patriots missiles, and offer to kill their families just to make it please stop.

My recommendation is to run out and buy this new DVD set.  You can force your family to watch it endlessly for days, after which they will choose to move in with your mother in law.  And you will have, at long last, full control of your remote.  Assuming you aren’t arrested in the process for violating international torture laws.

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