The Threat of a Shellfish Shortage Worldwide
Billy Bushwood here, as always on the lookout for alarming news to help you get depressed. For those of you enjoy snorking down bowls of shrimp, clams, oysters, mussels, etc. there is a real risk you will be forced to eat a fake veggie equivalent soon. (For more fake meat fun, head to Burger King for their all kale and spinach Impossible Whopper. Yum!)
The looming shortage of shellfish will be caused by this alarming news, that traces of Cocaine, Ketamine, Opiods, and Lexapro have been found within their populations. Presumably the delectable crustaceans are ingesting these random pharmaceuticals when the products are thrown in the toilet during police raids. (No self-respecting drug addict is going to flush valuable drugs down the toilet without cause, right?) I wonder, do they snort, swallow, or inject their drugs? Do they even have noses?
There is no news that they are now easier to catch given their presumably drugged state. But we can assume they will soon be fished into extinction due a surge in demand.
That surge will be, of course, driven by our drug addled population looking to combine their appetites for Po-Boy sandwiches and getting high. The truly desperate may actually add some coke as a condiment to their shellfish repasts. (In Seattle, there is a rumor that various drugs will be available on the tables at most restaurants, to facilitate this gustatory trend).
So I strongly urge you to get your shrimp now. Not only will you enjoy your Bang Bang Shrimp before is called Bang Bang Tofu, but you just might get a bonus high out of it. Or turn your anxiety down a few notches. A remedy for the anxiety caused by this post.