The following is a recollection of thoughts by Trevor “Trip” Thistledown III, of the Tribeca section of Manhattan by way of Greenwich, CT and Southampton, NY during his attendance at the 2017 Daytona 500
Well, I am here as a guest of Exxon Mobil, which is a major sponsor of this decidedly proletarian “sporting” event. I would NEVER have come to this, except ExxonMoble ARE a major client of ours over at Morgan, and they ARE my responsibility. How could I refuse the invitation by Tex MacPherson, their corporate Treasurer? What a BORING oaf he is. From Houston, of all the horrible places. And his MBA is from the Texas A&M! Really, not my sort of person AT ALL. But, sacrifices must be made, to maintain a $50 million client. For this, I am missing the Von Fursten’s charity ball! This is so shitty.
Well, I flew in Friday night, at Mac’s insistence. He swears that the parties they have outdo any party they have in dull, snooty Manhattan. He is so full of horseshit. The parties here are full of empty headed bimbos from Florida or Mississippi, and Oklahoma State graduates who can’t talk about anything but pit stop strategies. Well, OK, so many of women were pretty good looking. Stunning, even. But some I talked to insisted on telling me about their Christian faith. Not the sort of person I can socialize with. And everyone pretended to be my best friend, shaking my hand and inviting me to their next party in someplace called River Oaks. Really, they just overdo the whole friendly thing.
Worst of all, almost everyone I met was a REPUBLICAN. I can’t believe these racist imbeciles are not locked up, much less allowed to spout their insane beliefs in public. It was really all that I could do to forswear putting these Nazis in their places!!! One person I met said he believed in a limited government and lower taxes. He had the nerve to say this was what the country’s founding fathers believed. Just not true. That’s why they put the words ‘fairness’ and ‘privacy’ right there, in the Constitution.
The next day we went over in the company limo, which at least had a halfway decent chardonnay on ice. It was a barbeque, featuring fried chickens and pork sandwiches. And CORN DOGS!!!! How AWFUL!! I politely inquired as to the availability of something more palatable, such as a Kale and Quinoa salad, but Mac and his friends thought I was joking. Thank God they have room service at the Plaza, so I could get some decent sushi later!
On race day we arrived two hours before the event. There was major excitement (not from me!) over the chance to stop by the car vendors’ booths. I couldn’t believe it, it was just Ford, Chevrolet, and Toyota. I overheard these clueless shit kickers debating the merits of one of these brands vs. the other, but really. No real quality brands were even represented! Tesla and Range Rover do not even show their cars! And Tex made me sit in a PICKUP TRUCK! How humiliating!!
As I walked around, I could not help but notice how broad the butts were of these downscale rubes. They wore sweat stained ball caps, and blue jeans that strained at the seams of their enormous backsides. My god, have these people even GOT personal trainers and dieticians?
I was summoned to my seat to watch the start of the race, an interminable lead up that included a scene out of the movie Spartacus, with racers riding around the track in the back of pickup trucks. The drivers are rednecks with cornpone accents that make them sound like KKK members. None of them went to an Ivy League school, or even Amherst! Everyone was cheering and seemed excited, I found it so dull. Why, it is almost a bad as baseball!
Anyway, after 20 laps I was desperately trying to come up with reasons to dash back to the Plaza, and catch the 6:00 to LaGuardia. The cars went past me so fast I couldn’t keep track of who was leading, so I attempted to sneak looks at my iPhone to check on who got laid at the party last night without offending Mac. He kept pointing out, the key pit stop strategies and other such boring nonsense. I was in the men’s room when the first big accident happened, which I suppose was exciting to see. But of course I was checking the price of Yen futures on the Hang Seng, so I really couldn’t say.
Well, I was able to make the 9:00 pm flight to the City, leaving these hopeless, racist Intolerables safely behind. I hope they schedule an offsite on the weekend of the race next year, Tex made me promise to go back. I would rather move to New Jersey!