It has come to my attention that Hunter Biden, the son of our zombie brained president Joe, is in financial trouble. Seems he may have committed some crimes and will need money to pay lawyers. I say we cannot let this wonderful person suffer the slings and arrows of congressional committees, the IRS, hookers he impregnated, or the meanies at Breitbart, without adequate legal funds Will you join me?.
If you do not know Hunter Biden, I am aware that my appeal for funds be viewed with skepticism. Hunter has not led, to be honest, outwardly, a particularly commendable life. In the in interests of full disclosure, Hunter:
Is a crack addict. He has been to rehab numerous times without discernable effect. As far as I know, he is still an addict. But he’s a sweet guy, really! We should not judge drug addiction, which after all is a medical condition, and in no way makes him a detestable supporter of violent Mexican cartels. Er, not directly.
Hunter has no real legal skills or experience, yet has made millions off his law practice. It is understood that hiring Hunter buys influence with Joe, or at least so I hear from a knowledgeable Congressional source. For example, once Joe got him a job with a natural gas firm in Ukraine, for $600K. He has no experience in the energy industry, nor natural gas markets in Ukraine. But Joe was Obamas liaison to Ukraine, so you know. A valuable guy to have on your team! He was just helping Dad with foreign relations. Nothing illegal happening here.
Hunter shorted the IRS for millions of dollars, and had to be bailed out by a family friend. Wish I had friends willing to pop for millions in IRS debt. See how wonderful Hunter is? He is so great his friends are happy to pay millions keep him out of jail.
Hunter was having sex with his brothers wife, as he lay dying of cancer. But hey, she needed consoling right? Then he married her. Unfortunately she found out he was a crack addict and dumped him. But he was just trying to be mensch for his brother, right?
Hunter had to borrow money from Dad to pay off some hookers, with whom apparently he cavorted frequently. So, he is illegally having sex with prostitutes. No one enforces this law, but still. He’s a criminal by definition. Its all on his notorious laptop. But really, he was just showing his support for working girls making an honest living! Give him a break!
Hunter got one of his whores pregnant, and she is demanding child support. And wants to name the kid Hunter Jr. Just don’t let Junior near a laptop! Its all her fault after all.
On the positive side, Hunter has been able get hundreds of millions of financial support from the Chinese, (after flying on AF2 there with his Dad). So he was just trying to help balance our balance of trade deficits with the ChiCom government. Totally commendable! Nothing to see here, you rotten Republican fascists.
There you have it, I have shown what a great American our Hunter Biden is. So to enable to him to fight off the spurious charges being brought against him, and pay child support for Hunter Junior, please send your check for $100,000/$50,000/$25,000 today to #firstname.lastname@example.org, We promise almost none of this will get snorted up Hunters nose.
2 thoughts on “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime for Hunter Biden?”
I assume the secret service or FBI will be visiting so
I am registered in panama, hope they visit there. so far no money has come in, very disappointed