We in the United States think we are the best at everything, including owning the undisputed world championship of weird behavior. From the separatist, Marxist lunacy that is the State of California, to the truly hilarious wierdos that infest the state of Florida, it would seem that no one across the globe could challenge our un-matched record of mockable lunacy.
However it has come to my attention that yes, there are people who can meet our low standards of acceptable behavior.
I refer you to the people of Catalonia, the most Easterly section of Spain. Here, children feed and comfort a shit log, (Caga Tió) which spews forth candy and presents after the children whack it with sticks on Christmas Eve. Beating the shit out of the Caga Tió, literally.
In case this is not revolting enough for you, the piece de resistance is that the end of the defecation session is signaled by the presence of a stinky herring. Seriously.
In addition to this disgusting practice, the Catalans also celebrate Christmas with statues of a peasant man squatting and pooping. This figure is known as a Caganer. Really. And they put it into their Nativity scenes. How spiritual! How Reverential! Holy crap! Look out Santa! A new Christmas elf is going to take your place!
To try to explain this odd behavior by someone other than a bunch of crazy Californians:
“The Caganer is believed to have entered the nativity scene by the late 17th or early 18th century, during the Baroque period. People believed that the Caganer’s ‘deposit’ fertilized the ground of the nativity scene which ensured the nativity scene for the following year, and with it, the health and peace of mind.”source: random internet website
You will insist that I am making this up, but in fact this is such a revered tradition that you can see in the picture a 30 foot tall pooping figure, located in all its squatting glory inside a shopping mall(!) With large pile of New York Times clippings.
Now I am sure that you, like me, are thinking that we should adopt this tradition in the U.S. However, I would adapt this to a far more appropriate purpose. I propose that we declare April 1 Elected Officials’ Day.
The Caganer figure would be replaced with a likeness of notorious corrupt politician Boss Tweed. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? We could all celebrate Elected Officials Day by whacking the figure with a stick and hoping a tax refund will emerge from the hind end. Although possibly it will just be a rotten herring. Wouldn’t that help your work out your frustrations over the Caga show we have survived in 2020?
Who will join me in a campaign to create this new sacred holiday tradition? Please send your funds to Billy Bushwood, 666 Whacko Way, Los Angeles Nutsifornia. We are currently accepting unmarked twenties and checks made out to cash.