Improved Presidential Election Process

Joe Biden, our new tangata-manu

Well, leave it to the inhabitants of the remote Polynesian Island, Easter Island, to devise a far better way to select a leader than we seem capable of doing.

Currently our outgoing leader, the orange-person Donald Trump, is locked in a legal battle to hold on to power. Why he wants this is beyond imagining, as he is the daily target the hatred of at least 80M US citizens, and billions more world wide. He can surely just retire to Mar a Lago with Melania and play golf all day, without inspiring another impeachment or spittle emitting diatribe by Rachel Maddow. Although he will also likely keep company with 1,000 lawyers. Possibly it would be cheaper for him to just marry some blond bombshell attorneys?

Sorry, got off track.

Currently we choose our leader in a four year process (starts the first Wednesday in November of every presidential election cycle,) during which some few worthy, and many unworthy, people run around trying to impress skeptical Iowans as to their wonderful traits. Note Kamala Harris spend 3.5 years in this pursuit and apparently did not impress anyone but her dentist, while Pete Buttigieg was so unpopular he was unelectable even in South Bend, his hometown.

And billions are spent with the finalists accusing each other of butchering puppies, or groping porn stars, or insufficient deference to the PC narrative of the day/hour/second.

Instead of that mess, I propose we switch to the method used by the citizens of Easter Island, (Rapa-Nui). Every year each party (clan) selects a potential leader (tangata-manu,) on the basis of hallucinogen induced dreams by their resident prophet, (ivi-attuas.) Then, the leader picks a couple of strong swimmers (Hopu) to cross to a bird infested island nearby, dodging sharks and drunk power boaters. There they compete to find the first tern bird egg of the year. Whoever finds an egg first, his party’s leader is anointed as the head honcho for the year. The results are announced by the Hopu shouting, “Go shave your head, you have got the egg!” So instead of breathless announcements on Fox News, we have the prospect of hearing who won and then laughing hysterically.

This method has the appeal of sparing us unfulfillable promises to raise spending while cutting taxes and reducing the deficit, that has turned us into a nation of cynics. Billions in wasteful advertising spending would be saved. Iowans and New Hampshirites be spared the insincere smiles of politicians most likely to lose badly and be quickly forgotten.

After the election, the leader is expected to do…absolutely nothing for five months except grow their nails disgustingly long. We could add an American tweak, wherein the leader eats bon bons and ho hos while watching sports or Oprah, depending. No tweets allowed! Also, I nominate Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell as the Hopu for the next election, they would make excellent shark bait wouldn’t they?

I think this method would not only get us better candidates than the two old gasbags we got this year, but the hostility levels in our daily discourse would be reduced to Defcon 5 from 1, or whatever.

Those who want to read the entire process, I have pasted the story from Wikipedia here. Its actually much funnier than I could possibly describe in a blog longer than most would choose to read. Unless you want a really good laugh, fact is funnier than blogger. Read on faithful readers, all six of you.

In my next life I want to come back as Hawa-tuu-take-take (the Chief of the eggs, a male god). I would be more popular than any Kardashian! And all the omelets I could eat!

Birdman religion

In the Rapa Nui mythology, the deity Make-make was the chief god of the birdman cult, and the other three deities associated with it were Hawa-tuu-take-take (the Chief of the eggs, a male god), his wife Vie Hoa, and another female deity named Vie Kenatea. Each of these four also had a servant god who was associated with him/her. The names of all eight would be chanted by contestants during the various rituals preceding the egg hunt.

Contestants, all men of importance on the island, were revealed in dreams by ivi-attuas or prophets (who might be either men or women). Each contestant would then appoint one or sometimes two hopu (other adult men of lesser status) who would actually swim to Motu Nui carrying provisions in a bundle of reeds called a pora under one arm and await the arrival of the terns, hoping to return with the first egg, whilst their tribal sponsors, the contestants, waited at the stone village of Orongo. The race was very dangerous and many hopu were killed by sharks, by drowning, or by falling from cliff faces, though replacements were apparently easily available.[1]:262

Once the first egg was collected, the finder would go to the highest point on Motu Nui and call out to the shore of the main island, announcing his benefactor by that benefactor’s new name and telling him, “Go shave your head, you have got the egg!” The cry would be taken up by listeners at the shoreline who would pass it up the cliff side to the contestants waiting in the stone village. The unsuccessful hopu would then collectively swim back to the main island while the egg-finder would remain on Motu Nui and would fast alone until he swam back, which he would do with the egg secured inside a reed basket tied to his forehead. On his reaching land, he would then climb the steep, rocky cliff face and, if he did not fall, present the egg to his patron, who would have already shaved his head and painted it either white or red. This successful contestant (not the hopu) would then be declared tangata-manu, would take the egg in his hand and lead a procession down the slope of Rano Kau to Anakena if he was from the western clans or Rano Raraku if he was from the eastern clans. The new tangata-manu was entitled to gifts of food and other tributes (including his clan having sole rights to collect that season’s harvest of wild bird eggs and fledglings from Motu Nui), and went into seclusion for a year in a special ceremonial house. Once in residence there he was considered tapu (sacred) for the next five months of his year-long status, and allowed his nails to grow and wore a headdress of human hair. He would spend his time eating and sleeping, and would be expected to engage in no other activity.[1]:263

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