For those of you who have spent your formative and recent years playing online poker or knitting sweaters, and who have therefore managed to miss the endless estrogen infused whinefest known as the N.O.W. (“we support the immediate abortion of Donald Trump Sr and Jr.”), you might not know that they have a new cooking school. The program involves recipes using testicles as the base ingredient. To those males currently crossing their legs defensively, they purport to only be using the gonads of domesticated farm animals. But considering their opinions concerning American males, can anyone doubt they have your family jewels in mind for their next tapas recipe?
The N.O.W. got the brainstorm about this new service offering from the 7th (!) annual Testicle Cooking Contest, based in Ozrem, Serbia. This event features a variety of spicy dishes that involve the private parts of animals. Women fly in from as far as Israel to participate and judge the results. The fine ladies at N.O.W. naturally enthusiastically endorse the idea of cutting the balls off of any male creature, four or two legged. Intense gratification is gained from munching on the resulting product in a variety of suck-ulent (hah!) dishes. With a side of whole pickles and olives, of course.
Lest you mock my column by doubting my veracity, I have included the following link, which shows that this time at least I am not making this up.
Now, it should come as no surprise that the headliners at the annual N.O.W. Testicle Cooking Contest should be world famous ball buster, Hillary Clinton, and noted schlong slicer Lorena Bobbitt. The ladies have graciously agreed to judge this year’s event, which will be held in Ozrem and then again in Blue Ball Pennsylvania. (A real place, look it up). While males are invited to this event, it is recommended that such attendees wear a cup and bring a taser to ensure their family jewels don’t wind up in a chili entry.
OK, now for the onslaught of bad jokes.
- Popular testicle recipe: Jerk flavored
- Line on the Specials Board: “Order the Testicles: A great appetizer at cock-tail hour”
- Finger Licking Good!
- I’ll take 2 to go!
- I would like a mouthful, please
- Warning: When served cold, you may experience shrinkage
- We cannot guarantee that you dish will not explode due to earlier inactivity
Note: Obnoxious cackling while eating the testicle entrees means you are a nasty bitch
There you have it folks. Sign up for the cooking class, you can register at the Best Western Intercourse Inn and Suites (a real hotel folks) by clicking on the following link:
The door prize is a pair of bulls testicles pickled in sweet and sour sauce. I recommend that all males enter walking backwards.