Well, we know the US government has been holding out crucial documents on the JFK assassination for 55 years. Donald Trump, never one to pass up an opportunity to get his name in the news, has promised loudly and publicly to finally release the documents.
And we all know that amazing scandals will finally be exposed to the republic. However, we can’t be certain how dirty the dirt will be. Will it be as dirty as the Monica Lewinsky scandals, the Pentagon Papers (Vietnam era for you Millenials)? Or will it be a real dud, like the opening of Al Copone’s safe by Geraldo Rivera (there was nothing inside).
Well, we here at the Billy Bushwood Institute for Crackpot Theories (BBICT) have the answers! And we are willing to tell all!!
There are actually three revelations that will come out of the release of the 30,000 documents (drum roll….let excitement build!)
Fantastic Revelation #1: Of the 3,000 redacted documents about to become un-redacted, 2,975 of them reveal ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!. They contain interviews with people who turned out to be cranks or nutjobs, or the tracing of rumors that were obvious hoaxes (and therefore given full factual attribution by Oliver Stone). They are so boring, so devoid of juicy tidbits, that they make the 2017 Hollywood move releases look like the Godfather and the Star Wars movies all rolled into one. (See Batman vs. Superman).
Fantastic Revelation #2: The CIA did not have anything to do with the Assassination. They were actively planning it however. Not because they were afraid that JFK was going to end the Vietnam War early, but because the CIA director at the time, John Alex McCone, was boffing Marilyn Monroe also and he wanted to eliminate his male competition. However, the CIA was as big a sieve for secrets then as it is now, so the Chinese got wind of it and told McCone they would expose the plot if he didn’t knock it off. They did this because JFK had promised to lend Marilyn to Mao, who didn’t want to miss out on a hay roll with Marilyn. So the CIA focused on killing Fidel with an exploding cigar instead. Note that he lived another 50 years. Enough said
Fantastic Revelation #3: Here is the big news you were waiting for. The really exciting news that your Federal Government has been keeping for you these past 55 years. You are going to be astounded. Get ready, make sure you are sitting down now. Ready? Here we go:
JFK was assassinated not by Lee Harvey Oswald, but aliens from the Planet Noogie, who had escaped from Roswell, New Mexico. They were being held there by members of the KKK. The KKK did not want the captured aliens to get permanent resident status, as they did not speak English and they were not Caucasians. The escaped aliens were assisted by cohorts embedded within the Cigarette Industry. Cigarettes were invented by the Noogians, who were hoping to wipe out the human race with lung cancer, enabling the aliens to invade and Noogie the entire planet. . Also in on the job were Elvis and Nostradamus, who are clandestine Noogies. Noogies also put fluoride in our drinking water, in the mistaken belief that it was poisonous. (Fortunately for us Noogians are not that bright. There is ample evidence, for example, that the Trump administration, and most especially his Media Relations Department, is populated by Noogians. )
There you have it, advance knowledge of the content of the famous papers. They finally dispel the idiotic notion that Lee Harvey Oswald was trained, inspired, and financed by the USSR, to which he had defected for almost three years until his return four months before he assassinated JFK. Such a theory, that our sworn enemy and vile and odious communist regime, could have caused an avowed communist defector to kill an inspirational anti-communist American President, is clearly stupid. Who would ever credit such obvious nonsense?
We here at the BBICT choose to believe in our Noogie theory. At least as plausible as the CIA carrying out the dirty deed, and actually being able to keep it a secret longer than a half hour.