Wanking in the News

So Whats the Rub on Self Love these Days?

Ok, so many of you will surely conclude that I am overly fixated on news stories regarding the distasteful subject of self loving.  And you are must be right, since most right thinking people don’t read the kinds of stories I find stimulating (har!)

But a highly amusing series of articles appeared recently, and I just had to make a snarky note of it.  So at the risk of grossing you all out AGAIN (possibly the topic touches upon a topic you find too close to home and your sick hobby?), I present the following.

An Innocent Fictional character becomes the Public Face of Whacking Off


In this hilarious take on legally and morally superior ways to avoid molesting your college classmates, the highly esteemed Rochester Institute of Technology suggests wanking.  They even have a cute acronym for this behavior, ROO (note picture of eponymous Winnie the Pooh character) or “Rub One Out.”  This is just beyond  parody.  and BTW, how do they get anyone to wash the sheets at that school?  So remember, when tempted to sexually assault your classmate, just ROO!  And stay away from me please!

Remember this campaign was devised by people supposedly at the high end of the educational food chain.  (It goes without saying that RIT is an engineering school, but not marketing specialists.) Possibly low rent schools have more down home solutions, such as handing out vibrators, porn, and KY?  And at in hallowed halls of the Ivy League, they simply direct that you have your butler take care of the (ahem) problem?  At least this is how it works in my admittedly warped imagination.

Next, we have the following article which indicates that Chinese men and women are too busy wanking to join the army.  On top of this hilarious concept, think of approximately 500 million military aged Chinese youth  and how they apparently spend their days. Imagine that much pent up hormonal force, and energy expenditure.  Surely if we could harness all this kinetic energy, we could put an end to fossil fuel use and finally consign that hypocritical gas bag Al Gore to the ash heap of history.  (note many bad energy related puns).

Also, the good news is that their army won’t have the forces available to invade anybody, as they seem currently inclined to do.  So wank on, you godless communists!

chinese army
The commander in the front out-wanks (get the pun?) his fellow solders.  And, why exactly are they wearing gloves?


Lastly, there is this article, which exhorts us all to wank daily.  Apparently the health benefits are enormous.  ROO-ing reduces the risk of cancer, among other salubrious benefits.  On top of keeping you alive, we have scientists who have done extensive personal research (undoubtedly with the help of comely coeds over at the lab) on this topic.  After hours of hard (!) work, they had a master stroke (yuck! And YUCK!) It turns out, as a great surprise, that it feels really good.  Whew!  Glad we have scientific proof, who would have guessed?


There you have it, you Bushwood fans.  Your satirical review of the current state of wanking among leading, serious publications.  My advice is to follow the advice of the scientists, or face a certain early death.


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