RatBurgers, with a side of the Plague

San Francisco Restaurant Celebrates a Pandemic

Rat Cafe
Do you want cream, sugar, or fleas in your coffee?


Just when you think that you have heard the most dimwitted concept possible coming from our leftmost state, its citizens find a new zenith of weirdness.  You have to read these things yourself to believe they could be true, but in the State of Nutsofornia, reality is always stranger than an LSD trip.

A restaurant in San Francisco (city motto, “More communist then Cuba”) called The Rat Café has decided to recreate the experience that one would have had during the outbreak of the bubonic plague that hit the city from 1900-1904.  (113 people died).  In a way explainable only in such a bizarre place, it is apparently appealing to the locals to cavort with actual rodents (hopefully not any actually able to transmit the fatal disease).

I know what many of you are thinking, anyone so desperate for new dining experiences deserves to spend $50 apiece to eat in a rat infested restaurant, an experience the rest of us tend to avoid like, well, the plague.  Most of us eat in restaurants that may have rats, but they skulk in the kitchen and the dumpsters.  They are  not celebrated as the floor show.  Apparently The Rat Café is getting a fair amount of customers, and can be described as a moderate success.

Amusingly, The rats were procured from an organization that collects stray rats and attempts to find adoptive homes for them, just like the fine people who do this for abandoned cats and dogs.  This organization, called Rattie Rats, houses 250 of the flea bitten pests.  I know, people so concerned about a pestilential nuisance that they spend their valuable time rescuing them are extremely bizarre humans.  Possibly someone could educate them about real problems in need of solutions, such as the city’s underfunded pension fund ($6,453 per resident in 2017).

Compare this absurd dining opportunity with what is happening in New York City.  The city estimates that it has over 2 million of verminous rats running loose under its streets, causing an unimaginable amount of disease and mess.  The average rat drops 50-75 pellets a day, meaning that there is an incredible 36-55 BILLION rat pellets being dropped on the Big Apple EVERY YEAR.  (Possibly they should rename the city The Big Rat Turd?).

Rat Face
Welcome To New York, I am Bill DiBlasio

Given this disaster in the making the city is attempting to kill off their rats using dry Ice among other measures.  We need to get Hizzoner, the Mayor of New York (Bill “Rat Ice” DiBlasio) together with the wingnuts at Rattie Rats in San Francisco.  I am sure New York will let them trap their vermin to their hearts content.  Voila, a win win solution!  I am ready to accept my Nobel Prize!

Once Rattie Rats solves the rat problem in NYC, they can find loving homes for other destructive beings we want to get rid of, such as members of the Senate Intelligence Committee.

I am certain that the success of the Rat Café will result in other, disaster themed restaurants in Nustofornia (and its hippie state cousins in Oregon, Washington, and Vermont) such as the following outstanding concepts:

 The Locustopia.  In this reality themed restaurant, enjoy the experience those living in Kansas, Missouri and Nebraska had during the horrific Locust invasion of 1875.  Diners will get to experience firsthand the effect of a swarm of thousands of hungry locusts, who are released at the beginning of each 2 hour seating.  Featured items on the menu include Locust Gazpacho, a cold soup with zesty spices and grasshopper croutons; Locust Burgers, (with or without wings attached), and Locust pudding.  Guests are encouraged to wear long sleeved clothing and a beekeepers helmet.

 The Occupy Inn.  In this high concept eatery, diners sit in tents with mannequins who are dressed up in ragged clothing that has been purchased from street people (to keep that real, unfumigated pungency).  Garbage is liberally strewn on the floor.  At least twice during the dinner, actors dressed like radical anarchists run through the restaurant screaming incomprehensible manifestos and physically threatening any patrons wearing designer clothes.  For a heavy tip, actors will set a patron’s car on fire or break its windows.  The menu features such real life fare as “Dumpster Dive Daily Special.” and MRE’s obtained surplus from the US Army.  Yum, and what an enjoyable cultural experience!

If either of these ideas comes to fruition, I will be expecting 20% royalties!

Story References, so you know I did not make any of this up!




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