The New Republic of NutsoFornia

Or possibly Californuts

Calexit Logo

It has come to the attention of this snarky blogger that the fine (and whacky) citizens of California are making news lately.  Not, this time, from their droughts, floods, fires, mud slides, riots or offering citizenship status to imported weasels, but by making apparently serious noises about seceding from the Union (nicknamed Calexit).  They apparently want to declare themselves the sovereign nation of NutsoFornia, or something like that.

Such an opportunity to mock and snark is just too difficult to pass up.

As we all know, California has traditionally marched to the beat of their own drummer…er, sitar or whatever.  This is apparently due to the spellbinding effect of watching the sun set over the Western horizon while huffing airplane glue, which is the usual daily habit of the Governor among other quasi serious official citizens.  And everyone else in that benighted state, apparently.

In any case the citizens of California (let’s call them Stoners, so we can identify them accurately) are not reacting to random Sun spots or radio signals from Uranus.  No, they want to split off from their comfy home for the past 180 years because they don’t like Donald Trump.  Now, anyone can understand this sentiment, a negative reaction to the great Twitter Hairdo in the sky.  But really, is this Ft Sumter worthy?

So the Secessionists are led by a guy named Louis Marinelli, who appropriately has taken up residence in Russia.  A far left Socialist utopia such as Cali would be led by a Marxist resident of Russia, Da Dude?  He accepts donations and office space (The ‘Embassy” of Nutsofornia) from the Russian government, but hey, he is a just a Calexit patriot, right?  He has gotten 8,000 volunteers and a ballot amendment behind his effort, despite (or possibly because of) his certifiable wing nut status and residence in a heinous, murderous kleptocracy.  What a country we live in, right?

You don’t believe me?  Click on this link from the NY Times (“All the news that fits our peculiar leftish world view”.)

Does this guy look like he is in California?  Why is he leading a Calexit Sucessionist movement from Siberia?  It defies belief and credibility.  But such is the reality of California.

A few thoughts on what the sovereign nation of Nutsofornia would be like.

Well, the government would be led by a septuagenarian hippie known as “Governor Moonbeam’ or possibly an over the hill, steroid addled, foreign born actor.  Aging hippies and air headed beatniks without a clue would formulate government policy, resulting in huge social problems and both trillion dollar debts and trillion dollar pension underfunding.  There would be bizarre laws which prohibit faking orgasms, in the world headquarters of the porn industry.   Dams would be allowed to crumble while legislators would spend millions on commissions dedicated to the creation of self-esteem, rather than recognizing actual accomplishment.  Wait, these nightmares have already happened.  Imagine what might occur if the whole state was completely untethered from any scintilla of reality?

Head Loonie

I contend that if Calexit succeeds in its secessionist aims, that the bizarre will be transformed into the szichophrenic.

A few guaranteed to result predictions:

  1. The official language of Nutsofornia will be Spanish.  People speaking English in public will be fined for racism and displaying white privilege, even if racially Black or Asian.
  2. The military leadership will consist of bald, 70 year old Vietnam veterans recruited from the hills around San Francisco.  The official military vehicles will be green Prius’ and ‘60’s era VW micro buses.  They will be armed with Nerf guns purchased on EBay.  The uniforms of the military will be selected by Hollywood costumer designers, and every other year all soldiers will be required to wear skirts, (but males will not be required to wear miniskirts).
  3. The minimum wage will be raised to $50/hour, (understand that this is a salary of $200,000/yr.) on the theory that all people deserve to afford a 1 bedroom walkup in San Francisco.  There will be no jobs except with social networking sites and as extras in the movies.  The restaurant and manufacturing industries will close, forcing tech execs and movie producers to eat at taco trucks parked by the 405 entrance ramps.
  4. There will be free healthcare for all, but no doctors to provide it.  Citizens seeking medical care will be forced to consult shamans and midwives, who will barter free range chickens and organic kale in exchange for their advice.  Because medicinal pot and ecstasy will be available free to all, no one will care if they are sick.  Social security payments will plummet along with life expectancy.
  5. New zoning laws will prohibit the building of new residences, forcing multiple families to live together in 2 bedroom apartments like residents of Russia in the 70’s did.  People sick of the B.O. of their enforced flat mates will out migrate to Texas, kind of like they are doing now.
  6. Environmental laws will essentially outlaw cars, air conditioning, and clothes dryers.  Everyone will stay home in their fetid, sweaty apartments because the transit strikes mean they can’t go to work or to the malls. On the plus side, CO2 emissions will be marginally lower.
  7. Multiple armed incursions by right wing militias from Oregon will be unopposed, but will be defeated when the invaders decide to take extended breaks to get stoned on some killer hashish.  They then decide to shack up with some frisky cougars and out of work actresses in a commune in San Bernardino, and are never heard from again.
  8. In Nutsofornia, breast enhancement surgery will be free for any woman (or Transgender person identifying as someone who wants free boobs) with a cup size less than a C.   Although the silicone recipient must be over 15 to receive this benefit.
  9. In and independent Nutsofornia, pets and animals will have rights equal to humans, including the right to legal representation.  A dog could sue its owner if it was fed off-brand kibble or forced to wear idiotic looking apparel.
  10. Smoking tobacco products anywhere would be against the law in the country, but smoking pot or hash would be perfectly acceptable in any environment.
  11. Saying the word “Trump” in public would be punishable by public stoning, even during bridge games.

There you have just a hint of the future in our left most continental state.

The people behind the Calexit movement seem to have forgotten what happened the last time a state or two got the bright idea to form their own new nation.  2% of the nation’s population died.  That is the equivalent of 6.6 million deaths among today’s population.

But that is just silly, in California today the military doesn’t even prevent its own population from destroying huge swaths of major cities during race riots.  Would they really try to stop the US Marine Corps from invading during the inevitable civil war?  Would they in fact even notice they were being invaded, as opposed to thinking it was just the filming of a big budget war movie?

It seems that it is unlikely that California will secede from the US any time soon.  what a relief, we won’t need a passport to check out the surfing off of Venice Beach.

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