Fidel Castro, that loveable, un-groomed-beard wearing communist, has pulled off a miracle. As many of you may be aware, the beloved leader of Cuba just took his last breath after 50 years of leading his country to unparalleled levels of prosperity and happiness. How many leaders can claim the credit for leaving all their citizens as wealthy billionaires, as Fidel has surely done?
Those of you who are scratching their heads, wondering why you had not heard of this remarkable wealth creation before, I alert you to the published fact that Castro died a billionaire. I understand that one of the primary tenants of the communist religion, is the absolute equality in wealth among all citizens. So I naturally assumed that Fidel made sure that his citizens were equal to him, and were each also billionaires.
Plus, they each had access to multitudes of mistresses, master chefs, a private island resort, and the other goodies that Castro enjoyed. And they could all go to the same tailor, as long as they didn’t mind wearing green army fatigues all the time.
Such is the wealth creation promise of communist dictatorships everywhere. Just ask the lucky citizens of Venezuela, currently enjoying the benefits of a national health program which restricts their food intake, enabling them to become healthier, happier peoples. The beloved Fidel helped bring this wondrous outcome to the peoples of other countries as well during his fifty years in power; Angola and Nicaragua are also basking in the glorious benefits of world leading per capita GNP’s.
Sorry, just kidding. As in any other communist country, the leaders screw actresses and sip VSOP Cognac whilst their citizens eat leaves and insects three meals a day. This does not detract from its popularity as a philosophy among American colleges, for some odd reason. Possibly leftish students and their professors hope to run a communist country themselves one day? An aspirational if improbable wish, for sure.
What actually happened is the old murderer and torturer, who turned his citizens into serfs at his command like some feudal Russian Tsar, finally died. The people who managed to escape, and whose behavior is not controlled by the secret police (hint: they floated over to Miami) rejoiced in the streets. The poor peons left on the island were forced at gunpoint to look glum and reverential.
In case any of you would like to credit the monster with providing great education and healthcare, this absurd belief was dismissed as false by the fact checker at the Washington Post. When Castro took power the population already was mostly literate, and the healthcare there now stinks. And it is easy to educate and tend to the health of people when you don’t pay your teachers and doctors anything. Also, you can create a just and equal society when nobody has anything. But no one I have heard of floats across the Atlantic in an inner tube to take advantage of these benefits, so they can’t be particularly appealing, can they? And don’t forget, he urged Khrushchev to start a nuclear war with the United States during the Cuban missile crisis. What a lovely guy!
After his merciful death, they roasted him at a crematorium, turning the geezing and wheezing dirt bag into literally, a bag of dirt. (Talk about a happy and appropriate transformation!) Then they put him in a limo so that the citizens (encouraged by the sharp ends of the bayonets at their backs), could cheer him off. Note that in a symbolic turn of fate, the limo promptly broke down, just like any communist economy. Then they stuck the pot of worthless earth on a train and ran it across the country, so that his remains could survey the poverty that he had imposed on a once prosperous people. I am guessing that many of the people who turned out to observe his passing just wanted to make sure he was finally put out of their misery.
Farewell Fidel. No one with an lick of common sense will miss you. Lucifer no doubt has a special job lined up for you, possibly preparing a daily menu of roaches and cigar butts for you and your odious cronies such as Mao, Khrushchev, and Chavez. buena bolsa de basura hasta nunca