The NHL, famous for being only slightly less popular than soccer in America, (although not as popular as celebrity dancing or girls college softball) has awarded a franchise to Las Vegas. Finally, the town that fixes sports events can bribe their own local citizens to throw games, enriching bent noses and other mobsters while impoverishing the few Canucks around who still watch “flopping on ice”, and who are too zoned from huffing fermented maple syrup to realize the fix is in.
In this, the crooked stick game invented by some starving Indians, is slightly ahead of the NFL and other major league sports. They see the opportunity to draw fans sick of watching the 20th version of Cirque Du Soleil, (the newest one features Prince songs, with weirdly made up acrobats faking the injection of heroin while singing “Little Red Corvette”). Now you will have the privilege of buying tickets for $450 apiece (plus a $50 “convenience” fee) and see Ukrainians’ noses flattened against the boards by toothless ruffians from the Czech republic, rather than seeing Celine Deion sing My Heart Will Go On for the millionth time. What a thrill!!
The other great thing about a team in Las Vegas is that if you need a goon to take out the best scorer from the other team, you can just call up the local mob capo and see if any of their gumbahs ever played hockey. Then you just run out the hooligan to absolutely flatten Crosby or Ovechkin, or possibly slip an ice pick between their shoulder pads. And it will only cost you a few thousand dollar chips at the Mirage! That’s what I call sportsmanship!!
Gary Bettman, the Commissioner of the NHL, is quoted as saying that he is not worried about gambling related to hockey. He has the credibility of a big city politician promising to eliminate graft. Here is his risible quote:
“I’m more focused on the atmosphere in the arena, and that’s something we’re comfortable with going forward,” Bettman said at a press conference. “While we know gambling is part of the industry in Las Vegas, we’re not going to make it all that easy for you to pick up a ticket, a gambling ticket, on your way into the arena.”
Who does Bettman (by the way, what a great name for the commissioner now. Bett-Man, get it? ) think he is kidding? They have slot machines in the churches in Las Vegas. Every gas station, plumbing supply house, and children’s toy store has slots. So the arena will surely have betting windows, like the horse track or jai lai frontons
Think of the additional innovations that Vegas will bring the sport. Topless cheerleaders, followed by fully nude dancing reviews on the red line during the between period shows. The ability to place a bet on the score, shots on goal, the over /under, the number of teeth removed and bones broken, and many other fun gambling games specific to the frozen sport. They will have bikini clad broads taking your bets at your seat while they deliver complimentary drinks. Where do I sign up!!
Seriously, is this what you call elevating the sport above the petty corruption and political mayhem that is typical of professional leagues? To place team in this cauldron of iniquity? My guess is that when your league plays 82 games to eliminate less than half the total teams, and the playoffs last longer than the regular season, what credibility did they have left to concern themselves with anyway?
So the next time you are in Vegas to lose your bonus and get your ashes hauled at the Chicken Ranch, I suggest that you take in a hockey game/topless review down at the Arena. You can watch a game played on frozen ice, while outside the rattlers are hiding in the shade in 120 degree heat.
For an absolutely hilarious list of potential names and logos for the hockey team, click on this link.
Here are my suggestions:
Chips (get it? Ice and Poker?)
La Cosa Nostras
I can’t wait for the rationalizations that the NFL uses when they move the Browns to Vegas.
For hockey fans, check out my blog on how to fix the game and make it interesting again.