Those few who read my occasional commentaries have likely been wondering, when am I going to weigh in on our prospective Vulgarian in chief? You are asking, why aren’t you spoofing the estimable Donald, when every other publication of any sort (including Barbecues Monthly and The Urology Chronicle) are providing non stop coverage of him?
I will admit that I had been thinking often of the proper angle to take, to satirize the Republicans’ head elephant, without coming up with any appropriately humorous themes. (Many of you will think that I STILL haven’t, after reading this. OH how I despise you critics).
Then I thought, all these people going into hysterical, garment rending psychotic rages over the prospect of his becoming president, that sort of attention is surely a sign of latent affection. I am certain this is how Trump must see the negative attention he is receiving, otherwise his clearly fragile ego would likely paralyze him in to silence and inaction, (we can only dream!)
Let us examine the many people who clearly love Mr. Trump, and their displays of affection.
For those of you who have been on a mission trip to inner Africa, and somehow missed the thousands of articles covering Trump’s expressions of love for our southern neighbors, Donald has accused their citizens of being rapists and murderers, and proposed forcing them to pay for a wall that would hope to keep them from sneaking across the border. The wise Mexican citizenry saw through the rhetoric, and understood that he was simply saying that he did not want to see families separated, depriving them of the care and affection that their homes provide. In appreciation of this consideration, I have heard that the government of Mexico is renaming a vital municipal facility in Trump’s honor. The largest sanitary landfill in Mexico City will henceforth be known as “El Trumpo Dumpo” (a literal Mexican language translation, The Trump Dump). What an honor! We have not received word of when he will visit El Trumpo Dumpo to receive his key to the gates, an announcement is sure to be coming up soon!
Everyone can acknowledge that women, as a monolithic gender, Love Donald Trump. And, it is well known that Trump loves women, particularly if they are stunning supermodels. Because he wanted to ensure that he did not horde his wonderfulness for just one woman, he has married three of them and possibly had physical congress (who says he hates Congress?) with hundreds or thousands more. It is only by coincidence that he generously gave himself to the next spouse just as his wife’s looks began to fade (Ivana) or the prenup divorce award jumped higher (Marla). He has also made note of his willingness to allow hundreds of other actresses and models access to his presence, purely for spiritual reasons. We can only hope that from these generous unions, there are unacknowledged additional Trump offspring out there somewhere, who will go on to sustain our great country for generations to come. You can tell how much women love Mr. Trump by visiting the National Organization for Women’s website , and reading their sweet and loving stories about him. Truly heart warming.
Donald is universally loved by his fellow republicans, who have publicly displayed their unstinting affection for him. For example, many of who have said that, ”Allright, shit, I’ll endorse him if I have to. Just so that lying bitch Hillary doesn’t win.” With strong endorsements like this, we see the depth of their enthusiasm. Jeb Bush has, in particular, shown his love of Donald by NOT endorsing him. Given that Jeb wasted a hundred million dollars in a humiliatingly futile attempt to beat Trump, and got virtually no votes at all, a non-endorsement is surely more a sign of love than hate, right?
Trump has had, shall we say, a love-hate relationship with the 4th Estate. Given the daily tsunami of negative articles, blogs, editorials, tweets, instagrams, bloviating commentaries, that crash against the good ship Trump, you would certainly believe that the media as a whole would prefer that someone dig up Barry Goldwater and stick him in the President’s office, than suffer Trump instead. However, this alert blogger sees through all of this, right to the joy that the media takes in his candidacy.
For one thing, they made absolutely BILLIONS televising the Republican debates, which as I have commented in an earlier post, was more fun than watching a celebrity roast. Watching Trump skewer the hapless Jeb was certainly priceless!! If attention paid to a man is a measure of love, then the major newspapers and TV networks surely love Trump a YUUUGE amount. I count three critical pieces and three negative editorials a day in my local paper (The New Orleans Times Picayune. Not really my local paper, I just love the word Picayune, which means petty and worthless. Maybe I need to change the name of my blog to the Bushwood Picayune?)
I think all this invective directed to Trump is selling newspapers by the ton, possibly forestalling the inevitable end of the print edition in the newspaper industry by a few weeks. Trump returned the love of the Washington Post, by sparing them time and expense of sending reporters to his events. Now they can stay at home with their loved ones, and write reports based on the daily deluge of negative articles put out by the competition. What a guy!
Investors in Trump, Inc.
As has been extensively reported, Trump has been bankrupt several times. While not managing to blow as much dough as Carly Fiorina, Steve Ballmer (see prior blog post), or the scam artists who ran Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, he actually did go under and stiffed a ton of people. Can there be any doubt of the love that these schlubs have for our Donnie? Careers lost, pension money squandered, all in a day’s work for Trump Inc. I hear he was so contrite over the fiscal wreckage he caused that he sold his very large plane (note penis shape; not that I am making any “compensating” jokes at all here!) for a smaller one, and used the excess funds to return an extra .0001 cent on the dollar of the losses he caused. What a jerk! Er..Guy!
Muslims the world over are clamoring to come to the United States, so they can show their love for Trump in person. (Or possibly to escape beheading by ISIS, who can say for sure?) Many have left their homes and loved ones, and moved to the Turkish border, in hopes of someday meeting him in person. And he loves them! He suggests that we single them out for special attention, possibly having government agents escort them personally back to their homes if they are able to land in the U.S. I hear that many American Muslims join rallies in his honor, often chanting aloud their expressions of joy just being in close proximity to him. Or possibly calling for him to quickly meet Allah?
There you have it, just a few examples of the international and unanimous love that Donald Trump has produced. Personally, I love the man myself. Do you hear me Mr. Donald? Don’t you think my talent for writing means I would be a great flunky for you? I work cheap, just $500,000 a year plus private plane rides, (but only if you are back to a YUUGE plane again).
For the record, I have very long fingers