How To Find Fun in a Dismal Election
Before I even get started with this blog, I feel compelled to admit that my title is complete horse excrement. It is a teaser, like ads that tell you that can get an absolutely humongous wanker with an completely proven method, ($19.99 plus tax and shipping). Read on at your own peril.
I do not in fact believe that I, or anyone else, can predict who will be our president next January. Just like many professional pundits and network blowhards, I thought the short fingered Trumpster would be out of the election before Bobby Jindall, but just after Bernie Sanders in say, November. I smugly pointed out that he was not a politician, prone to gaffes that have tripped up many an inept POTUS aspirant over the years. I also confidently asserted that no one would take an avowed socialist seriously, certainly not one that isn’t even a Democrat. I was sooooo smart. And, soooo wrong.
The fact that all the other pundits got it wrong also, makes me feel only slightly better. Like all twelve of my readers, I was sure that I was smarter than the pros. I am a professional blogger, after all.
Now that we have all been proven to be nothing but poseurs without the slightest scintilla of insight or prescience, I urge all of you who are reading/watching those same pundits and blowhards TO IGNORE EVERYTHING THAT THEY HAVE TO SAY. It is clear that no one knows what is going to happen at this point, nor will they likely know until the last chad falls in Pensacola.
Meanwhile, what I really wanted to convey is that I believe that our citizenry are looking at this election all wrong. There seems to be collective national teeth gnashing, everyone sure that either one of the finalists are destined to lead our country in to wrack and ruin. The doomsayers are building shelters and laying supplies of AAA batteries, or heading to Canada. (BTW, good riddance to any who are making such fatuous assertions. Enjoy the Maple Leaf Soup and ice fishing up in Quebec City). In other words, a deep sense of dread has entered into our collective consciousness, as our media (with ad support from the makers of anxiety medications) are fanning the flames of despair.
As a public service, (and the doubtless forlorn hope of selling a few ads) we at the Billy Bushwood Polticial Policy Institute are here to reverse all those frowny faces out there. We here at the BBPPI think everyone is ignoring the huge upside in potential humor that we are currently blessed with. Read on, and Get Happy!!
So far we have had more entertainment value from this election than five seasons of the TNT network programming. Where else could we have seen highly educated, perfectly groomed, and politically sophisticated grown men and woman hurling hilarious cheap shots each other for three hours on national TV? It was better than one of those comedy roasts!
And the future promises to be much, much more fun than the last ten elections put together. For starters, hardly anyone appears to like either of the candidates. No matter which of them wins, they will have millions of people who hate them before they even propose their first tax increase. Tell me that won’t be fun! A president booed at their own inaugural ball! We can hope for rotten tomatoes, too! We potentially could have tea partiers or Occupy wackos parading thru the streets with funny hats and incomprehensible political platforms. I can’t wait for the Colbert take on these people!!
The election will surely be equally entertaining, as the Donald continues his taunts and insults. Instead of that wussy Mitt Romney, being all nice and respectful, we will have Trump announcing that Hillary wears depends and sold our uranium supply to Russia for a few million in speech fees (wait, she actually did do that.) Anyway, he will be creative and make up even more reprehensible stuff than she has already admitted to, and the fact checkers will keep us up to our eyeballs in confusing columns arguing reality. For further amusement, we can all hack into Hillary’s POTUS email account, using the handy app developed by Guccifer, (available on the Apple app store).
Meanwhile Hillary will have tremendous fun condemning Donald’s abuse of supermodels and actresses. She can point out that the Donald has his own diaper issues, but it is the pampers his newest mistress is wearing. Plus, he fleeced a bunch of saps who thought that all they needed was $20,000 in seminars to make millions in real estate. And he advocates blackmailing Mexico and pulling the plug on the troops we provide Germany, so they will have to re-form the Waffen SS and invade Poland again. I actually believe her best weapon will be to loudly mock that ridiculous hair style, seriously the most ridiculous comb over in the history of mankind. I hope she does it on national TV!!
After all of that joyous entertainment, we will have a president who is despised by upwards of 50% of the population. Either of them will be less popular than Nixon as he boarded the post resignation helicopter, less popular even than that ferret Jimmy Carter when Reagan humiliated him back in 1980. Again before they are even sworn in! Rather than get all concerned and grumpy, appreciate the opportunity for endless mock-worthy incidents!!!
If (heaven forbid) it is that sourpuss Hillary who emerges the winner, we will treated to 4-8 years of her trying in vain to be likeable. For reasons we can describe only as confounding, she has been married to Slick Willie for 30+ years and learned absolutely nothing about how to make friends and influence people. She could barely beat a 73 year old never-was Socialist advocating socialized medicine, which the citizenry do not want (note the continuing unpopularity of ObamaCare. See realclearpolitics poll using the link). Bring on government run healthcare that will make EVEN MORE PEOPLE APOPLECTIC WITH RAGE!! That is a sure re-election winner!!
Then, there is Donald. Should he win, (God save us!) we can look forward to his rudely taunting world leaders and leering openly at hot network newscasters. If he has tough couple of polls, I expect he will have Melania reprise her nude photo shoots, tell me that wouldn’t make you forget a tanking economy or small scale nuclear exchange? Then, the stiff breeze from the presidential helicopter will reveal his POTUS’s royal baldness for all the world to snigger at. SNL is salivating at this opportunity, don’t you think?
You have to wonder whether things could really be so bad. After all, it’s not like they could much worse that the incumbent bozo. So aside from these two unlikable senior citizens potentially leading us into deep depression or nuclear war, we have many years of yucks to look forward to. I don’t think we have ever had such a wonderful future to look forward to, do you? Where did you say you were? Tahiti? Do they have a spare room at your hotel?
Ok, now to my prediction, which has 100% guarantee of accuracy. Either Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or some third party candidate will win. And a majority of the citizenry will be very, very unhappy with the result. Gotta go, NBC is looking for a $500,000 per year pundit able to predict presidential elections.