There truly are millions of people who don’t give a rip about futbol. This is understandable. There are only about five actual shots on goal, and usually one goal total in the game. Its like gamer nerds at a supermodel convention. Virtually no scoring.
So, clearly soccer needs some livening up if they ever hopes to attract new fanatics. I humbly offer the following rule changes to speed up the games and reinject excitement into sport.
My suggestions to make soccer watchable.
- Increase the size of the goal. This one is the easy, a true no brainer. Make the goal 2 feet taller and 4 feet wider. This would increase the size of the goal by 75%, and I figure double the number of goals. Who wouldn’t want to watch a 10-8 futbol game? I would.
- Eliminate offsides. Currently, the defensive players lines up with each other to prevent offensive players from getting into the attack zone, (for neophytes just trust me on this). Using arcane rules and alchemistic interpretations, offsides is an excitement choking defensive technique. Offensive activity is stifled, breakaway attempts are minimized to once per month, and goal production is minimized. Why not open up the game, make defensive players cover guys one on one rather than send us in frustration to C Span for excitement? Offsides call suck, they are killing what could be a cool game.
- Kick ins, not thrown ins. If you know soccer, you know that when the ball goes over the sidelines the last team to touch ball goes on defense and the other team gets a throw in. OK, here is game where touching the ball is a big, fat hairy no no. But in this one instance, you can throw the ball, although you have do it under a series of boring rules that just make it impossible for 7 year olds to do. This makes no logical sense, AT ALL. Why not give the team going on the offense a free kick? Throw ins are a snoozer. Kicks are at least consistent with the rest of the game, and moves the game along a whole lot faster. Kill the throw in!!!
- Consistent with my basketball advice, attract female fans by playing a shirt vs. skins format, with all players in speedos. Come on gals, wouldn’t you suddenly give a rats ass about soccer if you the visuals are as interesting as competitive diving? I figure conservatively that the sport could double its fan base, and quadruple the LGBT following.
- Automatic expulsion and two game suspension (without pay) for blatant flopping. The game is infested with charlatans flopping given the slightest nudge by an opposing player. The game has become an international laughing stock, based on the fact that players actually practice creating fake penalties. . I propose having a couple of theatrical critics man a replay booth, and anyone falling down has their performance evaluated.
- Substitutions during any stoppage in play, guys can go in and out at any time with no restrictions. Why in futbol to you only get to play until subbed for, then you are out for the game? This is stupid. Essentially the bench guys never play, and the players look like they are wearing cement shoes at the end of the game. NO OTHER SPORT HAS THESE RULES. Let’s run guys in and out, so the stars don’t get too tired to play.
- There are 11 players in futbol, including the goalie. I suggest that five players not be allowed to cross the midfield line, ever. The most players on defense, FIVE. Forget packing the defensive zone with eight or ten players. The offense is also limited to five players, but five on five beats five on ten every time. Currently a team scores a goal, and ten players pack the defensive zone. Wake me up when the highlights are on.
- When the game winds up in a tie, rather than penalty kicks how about five on five with free substitution until a goal is scored? With no offsides, and bigger nets to shoot at I bet there would be actual game winners. Penalty kicks are a close second for most boring elements of professional sports, next to basketball free throws. Kill this tiresome game segment.
- Cheerleaders on PIP, alternating with hooligan fights. This combines sex and violence. Anyone bored of the actual game can watch the split screen where boobs bounce or skulls spurt blood. Tell me YOU wouldn’t watch more futbol, if all that fun was going on during the game? You might watch 2nd division play featuring Portugal vs. Zimbabwe, if the cheerleader uniforms were skimpy enough or there was actual artery popping on PIP.