Proposed New Rules to Improve Football

Any random alien that had the misfortune of blundering into an earth landing would certainly assume that every living soul on the planet is thoroughly captivated by pro sports.  The airwaves and internet are completely saturated with breathless hourly coverage of pro athletics, delivered by talentless hacks and toupee wearing sportscasters, (completely bald if black ex athletes).  There is an apparently endless level of interest in the groinal condition of obscure lefty relievers, the personal grooming habits of star cornerbacks, and the sneaker preferences of starting point guards.

However, the reality is that there are millions of people who don’t give a rip about pro sports.  Sometimes this is for highly understandable reasons, such as a preference for movies based on Jane Austin novels (there are apparently two thousand of these), those that prefer hiking or kayaking to memorizing box scores, or those afflicted with the zombie virus.  .

However, I believe there are millions of possible pro sports enthusiasts out there, who simply find the games to have become endless plodding snoozefests.  Such people could be coaxed back into active fandom, with a little work on the current, action stifling rules.

I myself used to watch pro basketball, when the game was a fluid fast break oriented ballet played in high top cons.  Today it is 43 minutes of commercials and free throws played at three quarter speed, followed by five minutes of intense action punctuated by 200 timeouts.  Major league baseball consists mainly of batters stepping out to pull on gloves and adjust their privates.  Games can take four hours, more if there are extra innings.  You really have to be reading a novel, or grooming your cat, or something of at least mild interest to fill in between the action.  And don’t get me started on soccer, (excuuuse me, futbol), where there is a goal only once per vernal equinox.

So, clearly sports needs some livening up if they ever hopes to attract new fanatics.  I humbly offer the following rule changes to speed up the games and reinject excitement into sport.  I am only covering the big five sports here, you will have to come up with your own ideas to how to liven up golf, competitive hot dog eating, etc.


Let’s face it, football is already pretty good.  Great action, hot cheerleaders, I love this game.  However, the game needs improvement to eliminate the unnecessary dead periods.

  1. Award seven points for a touchdown, eliminate kicking extra points. By any objective standard, PAT’s are deadly dull. Everyone goes to can during this boring chip shot with 10 minutes of beer commercials surrounding it. I propose that instead of PATs , the scoring team has the option of an automatic one point, or running a play from the five yard line.  Should they choose to run a play, they get two points if successful but the defensive team gets a point if they get the stop.  There, doesn’t that sound more interesting?  And we don’t have to wait for the kicking team to run onto and off of the field.
  2. Either eliminate the kick off altogether, or return it the way it was. Currently it is just a kick out of the end zone 80% of the time.  This is a waste of people’s attention span.
  3. Turn the 30 second clock into the 15 second clock.
  4. No timeouts once the field goal kicker walks onto the field. Icing the kicker doesn’t work and kills the drama.  Outlaw this idiotic practice.
  5. Require the networks to show cheerleaders on a live feed in the lower left corner of the picture, or offer the alternative of a PIP cheerleader cam.  Yowza.
  6. If the receiver holds onto the ball and both feet are in bounds, it’s a catch. This is not nuclear physics guys.  Right now you have to be a supreme court lawyer to parse the meaning of a catch, and it takes ages to figure out.  Meanwhile our nachos are getting cold.

The NFL should definitely be paying me for the additional viewers that the sport will undoubtedly attract after they follow this wonderful advice.  I am willing to cash any checks you fans decide to send, out of the goodness of my heart.


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