I have been making a respectable but not Beyonce/David Price living, so I have decided to transition to the highly lucrative field of political consulting. Since I have minimal experience and no real idea how to break into this undoubtedly highly competitive field, am offering free samples to attract paying customers. I am confident I will attract paying customers immediately, since judging by the mock-worthy campaigns we have seen thus far it does not appear to require any special talent.
As a political prostitute, (excuse me, undiscriminating purveyor of disreptuable services) I offer the following gratis, happy to work for any candidate that can pay cash up front. I will even work for the the fringy parties like Mike Bloomberg, Occupy, the Socialist Liberation Party, etc.
FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE
Campaign and Bumper Sticker Slogans!! Guaranteed to Capture the White House!
- I stand tall for the vertically challenged!
- I’ll Have Double the Political Experience by November!
- Invade Cuba! I left my tricycle there!
- Aw Shucks Folks. Golly Gee.
- Call me Mister Excitement!!
- Well known throughout greater Cleveland!!
- Likeable and Honest! Trust me!
- Absolutely Not Going to Prison! Probably!
- $100 million in donations, not one vote sold!
- Your daughters safe with me, (Bill will sleep in Maryland!)
- I bring the hammer, AND the Sickle!
- All the Prosperity enjoyed by the Greeks!
- Free money for everyone!! Don’t worry, we’ll print more!
- Only as old and feeble as I look!
- To be completely specific, I will win and make great deals!!
- It’s not just Muslims and Mexicans, No Polaks or Presbyterians , either!
- Four years of Great material for late night talk show hosts!
- Laugh at my hair, everyone else does!
- Be the first to join the Friends of Ted Cruz!!
- Better Politics thru insults!!
- Less extreme than Bernie!
Jeb Bush (Available for 2020 Campaign)
- This Bush will NOT invade Iraq! I promise!!
- Flawless Family record!
- Fully Developed Personality under development!
Dr. Ben Carson
- My life is inspiring!
- Free Surgery in the West Wing
- New Policies Announced Daily!!