Movie Review: The Lobster

Movie Rating: 2 Stars out of 10. Colin Farrell, Rachel Weitz, John C Reilly’s talents wasted on story without point

There are movies made by directors that are intended to be a pleasant diversion, fun, exciting, romantic. Movies that people want to see.

Then there are movies intended to impress movie critics and the rare members of the artistic intelligentsia.

This movie was clearly made for the latter audience. Critics loved it. It was nominated for academy awards. Almost no one showed up to see this rancid raw hamburger. The opening weekend, it did $190,000 in ticket sales. Assuming $16/ticket, that’s just 11,870 people who saw it. This is across thousands of theaters! You get more audience for individual women’s soccer games.

It is billed as a dark comedy. Dark comedies are dreadful, depressing movies that are intentionally unfunny to the extreme. Most I have ever seen are very unpleasant.

Overall, the movie did $9M in sales, which is pretty lousy. I am guessing the vast majority of the audience felt as I did; “I spent hard earned money on THAT dreck?”

The movie is so slow moving, you would swear that HBO deliberately decelerated the feed. People say a sentence or two, then wander off. What is happening is bizarre and implausible. It is more boring than a political speech. You will hate each and every one of the characters. A female character is so heinous that you feel you would prefer to watch a docudrama about Stalin or Mao, who were communist murderers of millions. Ha ha! A dog is ruthlessly murdered. Yuck yuck yuckety yuck! For no obvious reason, the two stars have their eyes plucked out. What a side splitter!

The movie takes place in a dystopian society where people have to be married, or killed. Why? This is never explained. People who lose a spouse get 45 days at a resort to get another one. Why? Who knows? People who are shortly to be killed make almost no effort to find someone to marry. That’s stupid.

The story meanders, stops dead. Nothing that is happening makes the slightest sense.

I had to try to understand why anyone would put $6 million into this thing, and what the director/producer intended from the movie. I guess so one can preen to one’s insufferable movie pals about the Oscar nominations.

So, if you like the sound of a “dark comedy” this crustacean is just your kind of banquet. Everyone else, don’t waste your time. I wish I hadn’t.

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