Twerk and Vote for The King of Sexting!!!
I have become aware that there is a general lack of enthusiasm for our two major party presidential candidates. That lack of enthusiasm could possibly also be categorized as aorta splitting loathing, with various famous show biz personalities promising to move to Canada if the Donald wins. (You are welcome to them Trudeau! That will clear out beach front mansions in Malibu, and make it affordable for the luckless 2% to move in).
As usual, I digress. I also lack any excitement for the primary alternatives. I can’t work up much affection for Gary Johnson, the Libertarian Party Candidate, or that woman who is running from the Green Party, either. (She makes such a minimal impression on me that I can’t even bother to do a google search). What is a politically active, but lazy and disgusted satirist supposed to do in this dire circumstance?
I had thought of nominating myself as a candidate from the Billy Bushwood Sarcastic Bloggers Party, but that seemed too far fetched and I am too cheap to spend any of my own money on the campaign. I have no desire to visit Des Moines or similar places. Plus Pat Paulson has already thoroughly mined this humor territory.
So I cast my mind further afield, to uncover an established politician without much to do these days. I needed someone who has excellent legislative experience, and who already has great name recognition. This will offset our complete lack of campaign funding. It would have to be someone who has already survived so many scandals that any new transgressions would be shrugged off by the press. (This is working for Hillary, right?)
After several Martinis, it hit me like a barrel of moldy hanging chads. We as concerned citizens need to rise up, and put Anthony Weiner in the White House. He is perfect for the role, having:
- National political experience; e.g., he is an ex “Member” of Congress (Yuckity yuck yuck!)
- EVERYONE knows who he is. No name recognition problem there!
- Nothing personal left to reveal, so no future scandals
- Potential to match Bill Clinton’s record as a pervert, why not his political success?
- Pipeline to negotiate directly with ISIS through soon to be ex-wife Huma Abedin
- Toddler son can be used as chick magnet to get women’s votes
- No known political agenda, we can force him to enact the laws that we citizens actually want
If you are willing to join the Billy Bushwood- Sarcastic Blogger’s Party (BB-SBP), we will cheerfully entertain your ideas for our official party platform. To get the ball rolling, here are my preliminary suggestions.
- Force Cable companies to give us a real a la carte choice for $39.99/month, so we don’t have to pay to never watch monster truck rallies on ESPN channel 247.
- $25 per minute fine for each minute our doctors or dentists make us wait past the time of our appointment
- Three tax rates with no deductions. We can eliminate the entire staff at the IRS, (this is my personal fantasy) and you could fill out your taxes in half an hour without the help of a $400/hour accountant or Turbo Tax. Constitutional amendment to prevent any future congresspersons to screw with the system or raise the rates.
- Double the staff at all Starbucks in the morning, and install a specific line for the non latte/cappuccino crowd. Call this the Expresso Line, and enable people who just want a cup of coffee to get it in less than 30 minutes
- Commit the entire highway funding budget to eliminating lane merges.
- Death penalty for anyone yelling drunken/stupid epithets at sporting events. Examples; “in the hole” at golf tournaments; “you suck ump” at baseball games
- Immediately and permanently eliminate all taxes on beer, alcohol, and weed. Our politicians make us outraged and broke, then tax our means of temporary relief? Not with a Weiner behind us!!
- Send illegal immigrants who commit major crimes to Alleppo, Syria. Give them “Allah sucks” T shirts. I predict much reduced recidivism rates
There you have it, the BB-SBP platform. You additions will cheerfully entertained, provided they are accompanied by a six figure campaign donation. Or possibly a handle of Tito’s.
Meanwhile, I have composed a catchy campaign song. (To the Tune of the Oscar Meyer Hot Dot song)
We all should vote for Anthony D. Weiner,
He’s the Prez we all want to see-ee-ee
Cause when we vote in Anthony D. Weiner,
Neither crook nor looney will he bee-ee-ee!
We all should vote for Anthony D. Weiner,
He’s the Prez we all want to see-ee-ee,
Cause when we vote in Anthony D Weiner,
He will show us his pee-pee ee ee ee!
And lastly, the campaign slogans: