Outlaw Wedding Excess!!! Time To Outlaw Our Over the Top Nuptial Nutso-ness


wedding 1

Wedding Excessive-ness Much?

My wonderful and beautiful niece is getting married this weekend, to a guy that we all love.  What a fabulous couple, set to embark on a new life full of optimism and bliss.  I am very happy for them, and wish them well.

Okay, now on to my usual sarcastic masterpiece.

Through discussion with my sister (the bride’s Mom) I have become acutely aware of the insanity that has infested the entire wedding process.  The more I learn, the more I am appalled by the huge conglomeration of events and features which have been added to the wedding calendar, the Obama level of fiscal irresponsibility, and the sickenly treacly cutesy romantic ideas generated by Pinterest.  And because once any of these ideas have happened at a wedding ceremony held in honor of one of a group of young women, THEY ALL FEEL COMPELLED TO DO THE SAME THING!!  Hence, the only way to stop the insanity is federal legislation, enforced at gunpoint, (I would recommend soft points and bullet proof vests for the cops on this duty).

Wedding checklist

Gotta Do ALL of this!!  

You think I am some curmudgeonly old cuss, without the suitable amount of romantic sensibility to appreciate what these young’uns is ‘a doin’ these days?   Read on, but I warn you, the following is not for the faint of heart (especially you dads, whose dreams of a corvette or bass boat are going up in flames faster than the $750 your daughter intends to spend on the horse and carriage to take her a quarter mile from the church to the reception hall.)

Honoring the spirit of the curmudgeonly, and referring to how weddings happened when I was involved, I recalling taking my lovely now-wife to dinner, being pleasantly surprised that she actually would assent to marry me, and celebrating after with…well, we’ll just skip over that part.  Anyways, we had a low key bachelor party, a nice rehearsal dinner, and after the wedding we stayed in the hotel where the reception was held, got up, and went on our honey moon.  We had a wonderful wedding ceremony, thanks to my wife’s parents, a memory I cherish to this day.  Not that inexpensive, but nothing like what is expected these days.

To get married these days, you can’t just pop the question.  You have to hire the Barnum and Bailey circus to perform in front of the potential bride’s home, while the US Marine Band performs “My Heart Will Go On” or something equally sappy.  Assuming the groom has been appropriately over the top with his proposal ceremony and a yes is accomplished, you now need 18 months of planning to get hitched.  Pity to poor groom, their lives are not their own now.  The clock has started, the insanity takes over, AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO TO STOP IT!!  WE HAVE TO HAVE ARMED INTERVENTION!!!

The following events are now required.



Destination Bachelorette Party

  1. Visitation to five potential wedding venues, three potential churches, six candidate bands, tastings at three caterers, interviews with three wedding planners, trips to five dress shops, trip to one tux shop (closest to grooms apartment), visits to five florists (no one will ever remember the flowers, you could get them at the supermarket), and one trip to the bank for the father of the bride to kiss his dream of corvette ownership goodbye for life. Plus possibly his left testicle.
  2. Engagement Party. Why is this necessary?  A mystery.  Let the excessive events begin!!!
  3. Destination Bachelor and Bachelorette parties. Out of town in such places as Vegas, NYC, etc.  Huge expense for the wedding party.  Bride and party exchange gifts, possibly ecstasy?  According to Hollywood, gay sex and dismemberment happens at these.  Doesn’t every 28 year old have $1,000 to spend on this weekend?  Multiple times?
  4. Bridal Shower. Guys have to go now, always held during crucial NFL playoff games for maximum male pain infliction.  Embarrassing because of the naughty lingerie which is dispensed publicly.  Bride gets kitchen stuff she will never use, like a potato ricer.
  5. Golf Event for Male Wedding Party. At last, something for the guys!  Lots of dirty jokes, spitting, cigars, and beer.  This is the only reward the poor groom gets for months of being asked to give two shits about the gift registry.
  6. Rehearsal Dinner.  Used to be a small gathering, where the parents of the groom thanked their lucky stars that the parents of the bride are stuck with big bill tomorrow.  Now costs as much as the wedding, given the number of required guests and the top shelf bourbon consumption of Uncle Ernie and the Groom’s idiot frat buddies.
  7. Bridesmaid lunch, Friday before the wedding. Why is this necessary?
  8. Bridal Party Makeup and Hair event on day of wedding. Can’t they manage this on their own?  It has to be a thing?
  9. Actual Wedding and Reception. Four-five hours.  All of this is for a 30-60 minute quasi-religious ceremony and a four hour party?
  10. Two hours of pictures, including really sickie sweet ones like the couple’s hands only, holding one another, etc. In this day and age no one will ever look at this album but the photographer will cost $5,000.  You could buy a car!
  11. After Party. Can go on till 5:00 a.m. Bride and Groom in no hurry to, err..consummate.  That whole thing obviously no longer an issue except in Muslim countries or among Mormons.
  12. Sunday Brunch Party. Can’t the guests for God’s sake take care of themselves for breakfast?  Answer, of course, is no they can’t.

If all of this unnecessary activity has not gotten to you yet, I need to add to this the cutesy pootsy stuff that now goes with the wedding, just to make the guys’ stomachs turn over.  If you want a fuller listing, click on the below link from Buzzfeed.  Here are a few of the icky sweet low lights:

  1. Have each guest write a date night idea on a Popsicle stick for your “date night jar.”
  2. Have your guests write their guestbook wishes on the back of puzzle pieces.
  3. Create a book of letters that your fiancé can read while getting ready the day of.
  4. Leave sweet, personalized notes for your guests as place settings.
  5. Early in the ceremony, the rings are tied together and passed around to the guests who imbue the rings with a silent prayer or blessing for the couple when the rings reach them. By the time the bride and groom exchange the rings, they are filled with the warmth and love of their family and friends.
  6. Include tissues in the wedding program. (For happiness tears! This is sickening!)


There you have it, eighteen months of wild, uncontrolled spending and mind boggling time and effort driven by a ceremony that until 75 years ago consisted of a preacher, a guy with a fiddle, and three bottles of rye whiskey. OK, and maybe a shotgun.

Are we not absolutely out of our taffeta pickin’ minds?

This is why I have called for legislation that will outlaw ALL of this madness.  It is our only chance.  That and the faint hope my own dear daughter chooses to elope when the day comes.  However, I know I am doomed.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s