It seems like every third movie and or Netflix binge series involves actors portraying grotesque, murderous, slobbering zombies who for reasons unknown are driven to kill the non dead (who are much, much better looking than their pursuers. There is usually at least one comely nubile wearing a skin tight blouse and mini skirt. Maybe the zombies are all perverts?) Those of us who enjoy such horroristic fare surely watch until the ending, where the heroes escape to some safe zone, or get their brains eaten, and turn over to re runs of Friends. In other words, no one really takes the threat of zombies on the attack, shopping for a cerebellum sandwich, seriously.
However, we here at the Billy Bushwood Institute for Preventing Zombie Attacks (BBIPZA) have discovered the truth. The onslaught of zombie themed entertainment is really a devious plot by the actual zombies who have taken over the executive management among movie studios and TV shows. The plot is to lull us into a false sense of security, by desensitizing us to the real threat of imminent death by zombie dismemberment.
At this point, I am sure you started to suspect that your favorite satirist has finally gone off his wingnut, or has imbibed one too many martinis today. Although both of those surmises may be true also, I have proof that the coming zombie attack has already started, in a little seen article in last weekend’s newspapers. I believe the link below PROVES I am right. I have an actual picture of the zombie attack, right there in Brooklyn, NYC.
Here is a link to a TV news report showing the zombies, who I suspect are in their ‘gestational’ period, just before the turn into very hungry, homicidal monsters and start terrorizing hospital personnel. If that sounds like a cheesy movie plot, I confess I got the idea from about 100 horror movies I have seen. But no one has accused me of being original.
These zombies were seen shuffling around mindlessly without signs of having any remaining intellectual faculties, (somewhat like the upcoming Presidential Conventions). This horrendous condition was caused not by some obscure, vaguely alluded to biological or nuclear weapons accident. Rather, it was supposedly caused by zoned out idiots taking recreational drugs. (We have no reports of similar occurrences in Denver, but we have to believe the heavy pot consumption there has ominous portents). Police in Brooklyn attribute the transformation of hipster drug swilling twits into potentially murderous zombies to a “bad batch” of synthetic pot. I say this is bunk!! The zombies were clearly fed a secret potion which vaporized their brains by the devious zombie vanguard embedded in our entertainment industry and yes, political leadership.
To digress, as is my typical practice, what exactly causes the need to create synthetic pot? Is there really a shortage of actual, organic dope? If so, I believe that will come as a surprise to most people. Why not just smoke the real stuff? The worst that can happen is you damage your lungs. Maybe we can get our Stoner in Chief, President Obama, to reinforce the message; “Smoke real dope, like I do (er, did) and stay safe from the threat of being turned into a brainless zombie, like Joe Biden.” That should scare a whole LOT of people. Back to the story.
Fortunately, there are many people out there are already prepared to fight back. I alert you to the availability of several products specifically designed to kill zombies. For example, you can buy knives, axes, machetes, ammo, and guns specifically designed to kill the nasty creatures. You can tell that these weapons will kill zombies efficiently by the fact that they are typically painted the color of the ghost Slimer from Ghostbusters, a florescent green. Obviously, this color is like kryptonite to the zombie world. Check out this awesome weaponry.
To those of you who doubt the reality we at the BBIPZA are exposing, you should know that the CDC has listed the supplies you should collect to ensure your survival when the reanimated corpses start their rampage. The CDC, (The Center for Dope Consumption) in case you were not aware, is a serious government agency. So there, scoffers. Our own government says you need to get prepared, and don’t we trust everything the government tells us?
So everyone, rush out and get your survival supplies, your florescent green Glock or semi automatic weapon. Beware of network executives offering you strange potions, (note that zombie concoctions are typically fluorescent green.) Ignore the ignorant, uniformed people (defined as people who don’t read my blog) who tell you that you are nuts. You and like-minded survivors will be able to take over the world, once the zombs have gobbled up all the neighbors.
Don’t forget to show your appreciation for this warning by sending your donation to the BBIPZA, in small unmarked bills. The Institute needs the funding to assure we can continue to bring you these vital public security alerts. Plus, we’re out of vodka and credit at the liquor store.
Send to : BBIPZA 100 N. Ghoul St. Amityville, NY 66666 (not a real address)