Hillary Clinton has come in for some criticism over her unwillingness to reveal the contents of her three speeches to senior personnel at Goldman Sachs, the international financial gambling casino/investment bank that paid her $625,000 to deliver approximately two hours of her special wisdom and insights. As we know, Ms. Clinton cleared $100,000 in cattle futures while practicing law in Arkansas, (famous financial centre), so it is understandable that the stock touts at Goldman would value her insights on matters investment-ish and global-ish.
For reasons that she has been slow to explain, Madam exSecState does not want to share her wit and wisdom with us proletarian rubes. Her defenders point out that hey, the remarks were private and no one else releases that information. That strikes us here at the Bushwood Political Science Institute as less than satisfying. I can see the people at Goldman saying we paid good money (equivalent to the first year bonus for a bond trainee) to hear Hillary, you want to hear the speeches, pay the woman. Republicans say her speech was either so innocuous and vanilla that it is clear that the money is just a down payment on the millions of bribes Goldman intends to pay when she is in office, or she gave them insider info on some big policy deliberation. We here at the BPSI take no position on these alternative narratives.
Realistically, Hillary has some important reason to keep the speeches a big secret or she would have already published them. However, I have an inside source (named Raul) who secretly taped the speeches (spoiler alert, I am making that up; his real name is Sylvester). So the start up news blog website, Billy Bushwood Broadcast News, has the scoop on all the big news outlets!! Here is the actual speech she delivered, the same each time (sorry, too lazy to author three parody speeches).
The following is transcript of the speech given to Goldman Sachs by Hillary Clinton (not really, this is a parody. Can’t afford the lawsuit).
(Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman, has money behind his ear)
Good evening, you fine upstanding people of Goldman Sachs. I am thrilled to be here to exchange thoughts and ideas with such a prominent bunch of racketeers, er, financial leaders and scions of American Business. Your firm is one of the bedrocks upon which the international financial system rests. Without Goldman, we would undoubtedly have suffered a complete financial meltdown back in 2008, which as we know was not the fault of anyone who works at Goldman or any other bank. Due to the tragic decisions made by members of the Bush Administration, but not by anyone in the Democratic Party, or anyone employed by Goldman, or any individual who is part of any of the large investment banks here in America, the entire free market system teetered on the brink of a complete fiasco. However, with the help of people like Hank Paulson, your distinguished Ex CEO, and the Treasury secretary for the Bush Administration (which you remember is completely responsible for the problems here, but not a great guy like Hank), I was able to advise President Obama how to save the financial system.
It has not been widely publicized, but I was put in charge of the team that devised the solutions that were put into place and which saved the world economic system. Hank and Ben Bernanke had a few interesting thoughts, but they really did not have the international perspective and financial acumen required to devise a truly effective set of actions and initiatives. Of course, I was glad to help out, I have never sought any thanks or recognition for my contributions. Just happy to serve the great people of the United States.
But certainly it was banks like Goldman Sachs, which absolutely never did anything wrong, I, I mean we, owe a huge debt to your fine firm. (Polite applause)
I wanted to also express my gratitude for the very generous contributions that your firm, and many interested and concerned employees of Goldman, have made to me, my PAC, and the Clinton Foundation over the years. Companies and people such as you, who give so, so generously without any expectation of future considerations from me or my upcoming Presidential administration, are just wonderfully un-self interested humanitarians. The money you have paid to Bill and I for speeches has enabled us to have important fund raisers for such crucial concerns as the fight against Global Warming at our conveniently located homes in New Castle, Washington and the summer rental out at the Hamptons. Goodness knows, I don’t have to tell you how impossible it is to get a suitable place to hold these important meetings, which is why we need so many large homes. (Waving to Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs). Lloyd, we really had a great time with you and your wife last summer, thanks for inviting us and Chelsea down, we had such a nice time.
Turning to my international outlook, my view is that thanks to the outstanding leadership and initiative being shown by our wonderful President, Barack Obama, (pause for a smattering of applause), and of course my many achievements during the four years I spent as head of the State Department, the world is today in excellent shape. Europe is the very model of comity and economic prosperity. We have forged close, supportive relationships with Russia and China, resulting in their unstinting support for American world-wide priorities. All is well in the Middle East, a lasting peace plan is just days from a final agreement between the Israelis and the Palestinians. (Sustained applause from the crowd). Human rights abuses have virtually ended in Cuba and Venezuela. Iran and North Korea has stopped developing nuclear weapons and never cheat on the treaties we have signed, er, shook hands on. America’s leadership is unquestioned worldwide. You can all advise your clients to invest freely, knowing the world is in such great shape. Of course, I will give you the advance sign, when it is time to sell short, like all recent Presidents have done, right? (Knowing nods here).
You may have heard me call for further regulation of the big banks, or calls to raise taxes on the top 1%. You know I was just kidding, right? (several wide winks here). Just between us billionaires, do you really think I am going to push for laws that will mean we can’t rent $50,000 a week homes in the Hamptons anymore? No f-ing way!!! (Loud applause and cynical laughter). Now that Bernie is headed back to obscurity, I will forget all about those pesky campaign promises. (Sustained applause punctuated with “Damn straight!! And “We love ya, Hillary!!!)
In any case there is no reason to worry, the Republicans won’t pass any laws which would cost you guys money, even if Reid or Pelosi lose their minds and introduce them. Why those boneheads support you guys on Wall Street, given all the money you give to us Clintons, the DNC, and Obama, and all the abuse they get from that fake Cherokee Elizabeth Warren, is an international mystery. But hey, never stop an enemy from stepping on their own dicks, right?
In closing, thankyou one and all for your generous contributions. We expect, rather that is, we would welcome your support in the upcoming election. We are now accepting $100,000 bills, but as always checks or electronic transfers are fine, too. Can I put you all down for $10 million? Good night all. (Polite applause)