We need to up our advantage to dominate the Winter Olympics

I love the Olympics, both summer and winter. My favorite events overall are X games types of snowboarding, such as the half pipe, big air, etc. Then track and field. Least interest in biathlon, curling, and speed walking (dork waddling).

So I have a keen interest in their future, and being a typical jingoistic patriot American, in making sure we win the most medals. Both total AND gold.

Those of you paying attention to this years’ Winter version, being held in Italy, likely have noticed that tiny Norway, home to just 5 million lutefisk snarfing, gangling peckerwoods (my relatives) is KICKING OUR BUTT in medals. Not Russia, not even China. But Norway.

I declare that this kind of outrage should not be allowed to stand. The Norwegians rule the snow and ice sports because A. There is nothing else to do up there next to the Arctic and B. most of the events are in cross-country skiing. There are approximately 200 different such events; traditional, modern, biathlon, mountain, team relay, cha cha cha, mackerel gulping combined, etc. Each of five different lengths, male/female/trans etc. Plus, ski jumping, and many x game type snowboarding events. Americans are indifferent to many of these events, which clearly were invented to appeal only to those suffering with brain frostbite.

The obvious answer for the US to attain our natural position as the kings of the hills, (and rinks), is to create winter sports that Americans are guaranteed to win. To wit, I propose the following new sports be adopted for the 2030 Olympics.

Keg Guzzling/beer barrel riding combined event.

Pickleball Hockey

Cornhole

Frozen Turkey Bowling

Outhouse racing

Frozen Dead Guys Race (actual frozen corpse is mandatory)

Redneck Games (multiple events)

Ultimate Frisbee and Frisbee Golf

Buffalo Wings eating contest (10 Alarm Heat wing sauce)

Beer Pong and Quarters

The 100 yard morbidly obese person waddle

I figure there is NO WAY the Norwegian, or Swiss, or Chinese will win medals in any of these events. America wins another 50 or so gold medals, 150 total, and put those uppity square headed pacifists back in their frozen places.

Who is with me! Write to your Congressperson today!

Note: Most of the above are real events. See link below.

https://www.spond.com/en-us/news-and-blog/the-top-10-strangest-sports-in-the-usa/#:~:text=Competitors%20chasing%20a%20large%20block&text=Take%20the%20Hard%20Work%20out&text=Take%20the%20Hard%20Work%20out&text=Take%20the%20Hard%20Work%20out&text=Take%20the%20Hard%20Work%20out&text=Take%20the%20Hard%20Work%20out&text=Take%20the%20Hard%20Work%20out