Washington Post Article on Gay Monkey Sex

You can count on the Washington Post to keep you up to date on anything regarding homosexuality. On page 2 of today’s edition, the Gay Desk at the Post spent a half page on the fact that there are species (including female whales! How exactly does this activity even happen?) that regularly have homosexual sex.

Now, imagine that you were properly nerdy and fascinated by science. Growing up, you imagined yourself going to MIT or CalTech, doing cutting edge research that would change the world. Disproving the theory of relativity, proving that the big bang was really just a dud, or discovering the cure for cancer. You ernestly studied, got straight A’s, and got into a good science major program at a leading university.

Then reality sets in. There are LOTS of people in this program, and across academia, who are WAY smarter than you. You can’t actually prove Einstein was full of weiner schnitzel. But you have to find some way to make a living in science. Its too late to study accounting.

You end up getting funding to watch monkeys in some godforsaken jungle, making gay sex videos. (Proof of whales having gay sex is harder to come by underwater, but SOMEONE did that!) Imagine talking about this ground breaking, earth shattering research project with your classmates, many of whom having gotten $100M grants to study something anyone actually might care about. They are tenured faculty who work three hours a day, with fat pensions and nubile students to creep on. And you are in Borneo, picking ticks out of your pubic hair.

From the Post Article:

Savolainen, who spent eight years studying rhesus macaques on the Puerto Rican island of Cayo Santiago, said that same-sex behavior may ultimately improve the survival of individuals, allowing them to form the alliances that help them rise in a group’s hierarchy.

(Note that eight years of study and the pitiable Savolainen can only speculate on the reason WHY animals would have gay sex. He can’t actually conclude ANYTHING. Maybe if he studied for ANOTHER eight years?)

Such is the fate I believe is reality for the authors of the above mentioned studies. Including the Brit quoted above. Imagine, 8 years sweating in the jungle in hopes of understanding homosexual boinking among monkeys. Wow, how important must THIS guy feel! Bet he is a hot commodity among the babes down at the local in London.

Here is a representative quote from the article:

The researchers focused their study on mounting and other sexual behaviors that involved the genitals as opposed to practices such as grooming. Their work analyzed data from dozens (!)of other studies of same-sex sexual behavior, as well as data on climate and predation.

One can only speculate as to what might motivate someone to be willing to watch monkeys for untold hours, carefully recording whether they are picking nits or groping tits. Or wrestling vs mounting. When does monkey business get recorded as sex, gay sex, or just sexless touching? My own guess is that people willing to do this are either kinda sick and perverted, or just have no other way to make a living. Likely, both. (Note, hilariously, that there are DOZENS of such studies! Hahahah! Who pays for this stuff?)

So there you are, proof positive that subscribing to the ComPost is a wise financial choice. You are sure be kept abreast (har!) of the latest in research into gay animal world behavior.

A suave pick up line at the local bar might be, “Hey, wanna watch some gay monkey porn?”

So happy to understand that we taxpayer are funding such important research. (Note the author hints that gay monkey research MAY be due to global warming!)

For a very funny take on the fraud that is most of academic research, see the movie The Five Year Engagement.

See Also: The Great Research Ripoff.

The Great Research Ripoff