2 of 10 stars. Woke Nonsense: none

For some odd reason it was decided to make a movie out of the final chapter of the Homeric poem, The Odyssey. You know, the 10 year trip home from Troy made by the King of Ithaca (the guy that came up with the horse trick) to his home island, Ithaca. Sirens, witches, big storms, all delayed the eventual return.

Ralph Fiennes as Oddyseus, with Magic Bow

According to Greek legend, and Homer, Oddyseus set sail to aid the Greeks in retrieving the slutty Greek Princess Helen, who ran away with the Prince of Troy, Paris. (Not a French guy). Supposedly whe had the face that launched a thousand ships, so her hubby wanted her back really badly. The Greeks spent 10 years and countless lives trying to capture Troy, fruitlessly. Blah Blah. You know the story. All this for one good looking wastrel? Dumb.

Imagined picture of the fair Helen. How many people died for this broad? Estimates are as high as 95,000. Idiot Greeks.

After the Greeks finally sacked and burned Troy, everybody went back home to their Pizza restaurants and hookah bars. Except Odysseus, who couldnt find his way out of his sock drawer with directions from google maps. He took 10 years getting home, likely due to weather delays in Newark. Thats 90% of the story.

The movie picks up after our weary and delirious traveller gets back to Ithaca. Because the actual story is a little thin from there, the movie has to be artificially drawn out. Ralph Fiennes, who either is wearing fake abs or got in great shape for the role, plays our returning hero. He mopes around the island for about an hour in the movie, where despite being the King no one recognizes him (not even his wife). He doesn’t even have the Clark Kent glasses disguise. Somehow anonymous. Who wrote this dreck?

Snore.

There is essentially no action, or meaningful plot development, until the last 10 minutes. Suitors for the Queens hand (Pelelope, played by Juliette Binoche) are a bunch of hulking bums who threaten all kinds of violence but never actually harm anyone. None of these itinerant vagrants are recognizable actors, none give a memorable performance. Notably for the ladies, none wear shirts for the duration of the movie. So there is gratuitous nudity. Oh, Fiennes flashes his guy parts.

Odysseus has a son named Telemachus. Despite being buff and in his 20’s, he is as interesting laundry soap. Yawn. He has no actual part in this movie, except whining and wimping around and getting bullied by the cowardly suitors.

Odysseus finally takes action against the toothless suitors in the second to last scene, as the story goes (spoiler for the 2 of you unacquainted with the story) he kills them all. Kills about 20 muscular young guys with his magic bow in five minutes. Wow, pretty good even by John Wick standards. And way boring. Each cowers around the room waiting to be picked off one by one.

Amazingly, I read reviews that gave this stinker 9 stars. Must have have been from Joe Biden.

If you have anything else to watch, watch that.