A great story regarding the incoming president Donald (my hair is NOT goofy!) Trump. He has suggested, with some justification, that the US should annex Greenland. I will leave it to my readers to determine if the rationale makes any sense.

However, I could not pass up the opportunity to mock Denmark’s reaction to Trumps threat to seize it, or buy it, etc.

A little context here. Denmark has controlled Greenland since the 1400’s, primarily because a couple of Vikings (name Sven) got there first and claimed it, and no one on earth could see any reason to take it away.

Aside: why is it called Greenland if its covered in white ice? Why not Whiteland?

Greenland is the worlds largest island, and 2nd least desirable one to visit. (Antarctica is worst). It is essentially a big block of ice, though it may turn into Florida soon. (The glaciers are apparently about to melt; ask Al Gore). It has 60,000 residents, who subsist on seal blubber and imported Havarti. Favorite activities there include ice fishing, ice skating, and sledding on glaciers. A real laugh riot, living on a glacier. Guessing that the sales potential for sun block is insubstantial.

The past and future leader of the free world, says hey, we just want to take over as landlord. We offer better cheese (aged cheddar from Wisconsin or Vermont), protection from Chinese hegemony, no fealty to a monarchy. We’ll throw in Showtime and Cinemax for free. The King can visit anytime, assuming he gets the proper visa paperwork.

In response Denmark, one of the worlds weakest military powers (5,000 troops in its army; we can get more armed citizens at a Texas high school football game) has reacted to this threat by committing to spending $1.5B to beef up the defenses of the island. Note that this the approximate cost of half an F35, or two Senate armed services committee members. The money will be spent, I am NOT making this up, partially on 2 additional dog sled teams. The Marines at Quantico are quaking in fear.

Also, Denmark has just (not coincident with this controversy, the King swears) changed his royal coat of arms to include a polar bear. Really. This represents their ownership of Greenland, which didn’t rate space on the royal coat of arms until Trump came along. Well, that should settle THAT.

Couldn’t resist mocking this coat of arms, which features two scantily dressed cavemen armed with clubs. Hard to recall now that there was a time when the Danes ruled Britain. Their viking warriors were feared throughout northern Europe. But the king preferred to display guys from Chippendale’s. Hilarious.

Lets face it, if we want Greenland, we can take it over with a squad or two of marines, or a Den of Cub Scouts. They could arrive with a few cases of Alpo and subdue the dog sled teams. And march on the capital, Nuuk (short for Nuukie, or what you get at the only whorehouse on Greenland; Helga’s Hygge.) Takeover in time for the happy hour at 3:00 pm, (when the sun sets every day for 11 months).

Denmark is as feeble militarily today as when the Nazis strolled into Copenhagen with two Benz’s and an unloaded Luger. If we want to own Greenland, which seriously has strategic value to the US, we should just send over the Cub Scouts. The locals would surrender faster than the French army.

As a bonus, we can set up resettlement prisons for the criminal illegal aliens that we are ready to send back to San Salvador, pending an identification of their gang affiliation. Might dissuade a few from coming back.

Go get em Donald.