Woke Nonsense: Tons-One of the Key themes of the movie

It ain’t easy being green.

Once again, I am compelled to give a non complimentary review to a movie. I promise, I am not a total curmudgeon who hates all movies. Just half a curmudgeon, or something.

Anyways, I do have some positive things to say about the movie. The lead actresses are great singers, and Ariana Grande is marvelous as Galinda, the empty headed lead mean girl in school. Cynthia Erivo is great as the Grinch faced Elphaba, misunderstood witch. The songs are acceptable, some even pretty good. I enjoyed the sets. For these reasons I did not rate the movie lower.

The movie is a mashup of Harry Potter, Mean Girls, and Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. As a musical. It is loosly based on the hit broadway show, which I have seen and thorougly enjoyed. The movie follows the travails of the heroine Elphaba, known in The Wizard of Oz as the EVIL Wicked Witch of the West. Now she is a sweet but misunderstood outcast and talking-animal activist. She was turned green in an unfortunate accident at fertilization. (Mom was a slut).

My criticisms of the movie several. The movie is way too long, 2 hours and 40 minutes in butt blistering length. For that amount of time, its only half done; this is part 1. The plot is way convoluted and at times the movie slows to a tedious pace. That said, there are some fantastic scenes and beautiful singing. Promised some positives. Although the music is nice, I found not one was catchy. I don’t remember a single one. But I can name multiple songs from the original Wizard of Oz, including the glorious Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I can name some from memorable musicals I have seen. None from Wicked.

The movie is so woke that it would make an Ivy League president blush. We have a diverse cast including flamboyant gays, fatties, one midget, (the Munchkins are portrayed in this movie as full sized humans. Elphaba is the daughter of the Mayor of Munchkinland), a disabled girl, and all other conceivable races and genders. The guy dancer in a skirt has nice legs.

After an eternity of back story in Munchkinland, Elphaba and her disabled sister head to private high school, (The Shiz,) which is essentially a Hogwarts rip off. She does not yet know she is a witch but like Harry Potter, is able to make magic happen when angered. The Shiz, Elphaba’s hogwarts castle, does not actually teach magic except to Elphaba and Galinda.

As Elphaba is a green skinned weirdo that causes destruction and is dressed in black witch clothes (all the other students wear the same uniform, although Glinda gets to wear pink outfits; why only her?) So the other students mock her and are meanies. When she gets mad and inadvertently causes magic to happen, she is adopted by the headmistress (Michelle Yeoh) for special magic lessons. Although it is apparent that the headmistress does not actually know any.

Anyways eventually Elphaba and Glinda get some witch lessons, they head off to Oz to meet the Wizard. He is portrayed by Jeffrey Goldblum, a role he seemed to have mailed in. He is an unimpactful nebbish, and is the actual villain of the movie. (spoiler alert).

Anyways, Galinda appears to have the upper hand over Glinda to land the prince at school, potrayed by Jonathan Bailey as a handsome n’er do well. He actually does a nice turn here. Why he would be interested in a frankly not very attractive, green faced outcast is not a plausible sub plot. She however, despite his fecklessness, falls in love with the guy. You will have to wait for Part 2 to see where this romance goes.

As an amusing note, Elphaba and Galinda do a dance that appears to be a competiton with Elaine Benes from Seinfeld as the worst in entertainment history. Elaine’s was played for laughs. The Wicked dance is supposed to have some higher meaning. Its excrucitiating to watch. What the F?

My recommendation if you like musicals is to wait to watch on HBO or Disney+ or whatever. Your butt thank you for the potty and beer breaks. I am assuming not many guys are that into musicals, so likely this is for you gals.

Recommendation: Watch the original. Now THAT is a 10 star movie. The songs are still fantastic! I have two versions of Somewhere on my Spotify liked list. Listen to the song sung by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole. Its amazing. And for musicals, My Fair Lady, Singing in the Rain, The Music Man. Or watch the Harry Potter movies. No singing or dancing, compelling plots, and 2 hours instead of a combined 5 or whatever for Wicked.