Napoleon 2.5 stars out of 10

I am a big history fan. Read lots of books, particularly about evocative and highly consequential leaders from the worlds past. Why? Because History is all about STORIES, as the name clearly indicates. Many of the best stories ever told are based on actual historical events, persons, and the broad sweep of human progress. Plus, I find it fascinating to learn about how people actually lived in say, Ancient Rome or Medieval China. Did you know that the Roman Empire lasted from 500 BC to 1450 AD?

I had read a terrific biography of Napoleon, who is rightly considered one of the great military/statesmen minds in the history of the world. (After all, he conquered ALL of Europe except the least valuable country, Russia). He was a charismatic. Brilliant as a diplomat and strategist. He caused the complete re writing of the legal system in France, the Napoleonic code. Still in use today. A super genius in almost every way.

I had hoped that a movie about him would show some of those achievements. And give us insights into the personality of the man. Or at least, it would be entertaining, with lots of exciting battle scenes.

Nope. As portrayed by Joaquin Phoenix, the not actually short (5’10”, tall for that time) commander had the personality of a dead mackerel. I believe that Phoenix changed expression a grand total of five times in a 2.5 hour movie. In three of those instances, the new expression was inappropriate to the context.

The movie spent 60 minutes of its running time depicting the weird and tiresome relationship between Napoleon and his wife Josephine. BTW, this is the first movie I have ever seen where the sex scenes (complete with moaning) happened fully clothed. Yawn. As exciting as a Hallmark Christmas movie, R rating wise.

Ridley Scott is rightly known as a great director of action movies (Alien, Black Hawk Down, Blade Runner). He does not disappoint in the three battle scenes in the movie. That is only reason I did not give this stinker a 1 rating. Being persnickety, I note that none of these battle scenes accurately portrayed the actual battles. Seems like that could have been done in at least ONE of the battles.

As a final trashing of this boring flick, note that the movie spent virtually no time reviewing the absolute devastation that Napoleon caused, including millions of deaths that happened to no purpose whatsoever. He bankrupted the continent, and by depriving it of millions of productive citizens, guaranteed economic penury for 2 generations. Why leave this almost untouched but for a brief mention at the end, of the 3 million deaths he caused?

Instead of investing 150 minutes in this dog, I recommend watching the mini series The Last Kingdom, which you can stream on Netflix. This boring movie will likely bomb in the theatres and be free on Netflix in a month or so anyways. And the Last Kingdom is one of my favorite guy action shows, EVER. Compelling characters, historical sweep, exciting battles and sword fights, and it richly deserves its R rating.

And hope that whoever created The Last Kingdom, does a Netflix show on Napoleon. We would learn a lot about the man, and possibly have a watchable program. Which
Ridley Scott’s Napoleon is not.

See my recommendation for the greatest Guy action movies/show of all time, to find great content worthy of your time an attention. Unless you are a Hallmark Channel enthusiast. In which case, tighten up your panties willya.